My Meds Are Working!

So I had a great Christmas. We went to my inlaws and celebrated Christmas eve. Then on Christmas day we went over to DH's grandparents house for a bit.

The holidays are a perfect test of my meds, I am around a bunch of people. Usually it sucked big time. I am ultra quiet. I hang out by DH like I am glued to him. I have sneaked off to the bathroom to cry. I am so nervous that I make myself literally sick. I have panic attacks the entire time.

Well instead it was wonderful. It wasn't perfect, don't get me wrong. I didn't have some miracle change where I am a whole new person lol. I wasn't the life of the party, or a chatty cathy. But I only had one small panic attack when we first arrived. I wasn't sick with nerves. I talked to people some. I didn't cry which is always a good sign. I didn't feel the need to stick to DH as much.

Honestly it was a breath of fresh air. It means my meds are working. And I see a noticeable difference. I can't even express how happy that makes me. I can't wait to tell my doctor and therapist!

That was the greatest part of Christmas for me :)

Everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts we got them. Which I am glad :) I loved my gifts!

I wanted to redo my kitchen in purple and my wish was granted. I got purple hand towels, pot holders, serving spoons, all kinds of utensils, two cutting boards and best of all....purple plates. I can't tell you how excited I was over the plates lol. I seriously love them. They are the Rachel Ray collection.  They are round and square at the same time which makes them look really neat.

 

With a gift card I bought myself the fitbit zip. And I seriously LOVE it already. It is really neat. It tracks distance and steps. I know I am nowhere near 10k steps a day but hopefully this inspires me to try. What i really love about it is that it syncs with sparkpeople. So after my walk I can come home and sync it and it auto loads up my distance and time. So no more having to track it on my phone app and then putting it in manually. 

The only downside is that it is so tiny. I am so afraid I will lose it. I have it hooked to the inside of my bra so it won't fall off no matter what. Which it has a nice tight hook so I doubt it would come off easily. 

I also got a video game, Dragon Age Inquisition. I am a big fan of the other two dragon age games so I was pretty excited for this to come out. So far though I am not loving the game. Its very different from the other two and will take some getting used to for sure. Maybe once the story progresses I will like it more...hopefully. 

Anyways diet wise I did very well over the holidays. I ended up skipping lunch both Christmas eve and Christmas. So that helped I am sure. I didn't stuff myself or come even close either. I did eat some cheesecake and cookies though. It was delicious no regrets. :) It was Christmas. Exercise wise I took the dog for a walk around the block both days but that is it. Still I was moving so yay. 

Last night I also took a walk. I am trying once again to walk every evening. & I would like to then add walking in the morning too. We will see. The weather is beautiful right now so I should take full advantage of it.

Today I have a pretty busy day of cleaning, taking down all the Christmas stuff. I need to pick up the living room its a mess lol. And clean the rats cage and organize my bedroom alittle bit better. 

I am so out of shape

My day did not start off well. I woke up at 5am so tired but couldnt fall back to sleep. My DH got up around 6 to get ready for work & with the light on and him talking to me I just decided to get up for good. I wanted to get up early anyways for a bike ride. But not quite that early... lol

First thing I went out to feed the feral cats and I found one of the kittens had been hit by a car just as I was coming outside. It must have been sleeping under the car and for some reason didn't run away or in time when it started up and left. It was too late to do anything for it. But I carried it over to the woods so none of the kids would see it since it was right outside the playground area. I was crying my eyes out this entire time. To make matters worse...momma cat found it and was carrying it around. So yeah my heart is just in pieces right now.

This is the second cat I have found hit by cars. Please for the love of all things holy keep your cats indoors. :(


Anyways I decided to go on my bike ride this morning. I had big hopes that I would ride this huge distance like it was nothing.... omg I am so out of shape. Right away I was like hell no I cant do this.I went 1.72 miles all together and my average speed was 5 mph...which is slow as hell. All the bike tracking on my fitness tracker was 10 mph and higher just to give u an idea.... The fastest I went was 11 mph and that was downhill.

My legs were on fire. I was so out of breath. I wanted to die. I had to stop several times. At one point I didn't think I could go on & had a panic attack over it.

So yeah I am out of shape. And it sucks. And it truly makes me want to throw in the towel and never ever ever touch the bike again or move again and just curl up and stuff myself with pizza and say screw it all.

I won't do that though, as tempting as it is. I remember a quote:

It is hard but staying overweight, sick, tired all the time, out of breath, out of energy and so unhealthy is hard too. It seems easy in the moment but it is just a different type of hard.

I just have to remind myself that it gets easier. Right?

I give up very easily. It becomes hard and I have a panic attack and it throws me off. I should talk to my therapist about that next time I see her. Because I am still have panic attacks and it is really hard to work out when I am having them as soon as I push myself.

I need to stop staying in my comfort zone. I am not talking about running a marathon tomorrow. I don't want to push myself too hard and not be ready for it. But I need to go harder and farther then I have been or it will never get easier.

So goal setting time:

1.  4 days a week ride my bike in the morning. Going to do 1 mile everyday this week, next week 1.5, etc...
2.  5 days a week take an evening walk with my dog. 1 mile everyday for 2 weeks then 1.5 for 2 weeks, then 2 for 2 weeks. 
3.  Atleast 3 times a week do the Wii workout. This includes strength and weights. 15 mins for the first 2 weeks then 30 mins.

I am starting slow with just 1 mile, 15 mins, etc... One thing spark has taught me is to set myself up for success. I am starting a whole new fitness schedule so go slow and do what I know I can do and then build up one step at a time.

I am also going to blog/journal everyday and track my food! I gotta track it. Even if it is bad.

I can do this!!

Slipping off track & regaining

I am not doing very well. I have slowly let myself slide off plan, so that I wasn't even completely aware of it. I get one little kink in my routine and I get so thrown off. I seriously hate it so much. Why do I let this happen?

Sleep is my big focus on staying on routine.My period hit and I was exhausted more then usual, my sleep schedule changed somewhat. It all just threw me off.

I stopped walking, working out. I stopped tracking my food, which led me to start eating off plan or eating more then I should. I then was eating bad so I stopped testing my blood sugar. It is a nasty cycle that can start with one little kink and just spin out of control.

But I caught myself this time. I can recover & get back on plan. I just have to stay focused.

I think the big problem I have is just that I feel overwhelmed. So much is going on in my life right now. I feel exhausted just trying to focus and balance it all. It is too much and it makes me want to give up.

I gained alot of weight back this week and that really hit me hard. I am never going to get anywhere if everytime I take a step forward I take two backwards.

I just need to focus, lay off the excuses and get it done.

The good news is I got my bike finally!! Woohoo! I have so so so been missing having a bike. I am very excited to try it out....and nervous as hell. My anxiety is through the roof. Because omg I will have to be outside....where people will see me. What if I forgot how to ride a bike? What if I look stupid? What if I fall or crash? What if I can't make it up a hill because I am fat and out of shape?

I know rationally that I shouldn't care. It will be fun and it gives me freedom to go places myself. But it is still so difficult to get past all the fear. It so robs the joy out of it.

 My bike's color is Magenta. It is hard to tell in the pics. It isn't that dark though.



Today i am taking the bus down to the store to return the cargo rack I got for it and get a different one. The one I got was missing screws and bolts lol. Once I get a cargo rack on it I can go shopping and also take my dog with me. Ill just strap her carrier to the cargo rack. Then I can ride down to the park and let her play! I really wanna get a basket for her to ride upfront in but it is a bit expensive so will have to wait prob until my birthday at the end of sept.

Anyways my goal is to start working out again- walking, riding my bike, doing the wii. Track all of my food! And blog more, maybe it will help me stay focused and catch myself if I start to fall off again.

4am walks....

Sleeping an entire night through has become a dream. I am continuing to wake up at 3am and not being able to fall back to sleep. It really sucks. Today after waking up at 3 I laid in bed until 4 when I finally decided to get up and go for a walk.

Slightly bit weird to walk at 4am lol But it is also really nice because the world is all still asleep and I have the streets to myself. Which means way way less anxiety and almost no panic attacks. Which means I can walk without feeling like I am going to die every step.

I am quite exhausted now though and tired from lack of sleep too. But in a bit I have to go walk down to the store to pick up my prescription.

I had an ah-ha moment earlier when I realized I could set the alarm on my phone to remind me to take my pills lol like duh why didn't I think of that sooner?

I also have been struggling to get outside lately. Having more panic attacks. I think it is because a few days ago my neighbors talked to me. eek! So absurd I know. They are nice but very chatty. They also have a dog, a chi and Trixie is a chi mix and they like each other. But the neighbor asked me if I had lost weight. It was nice. I haven't lost much and I really do not think it is noticeable. But she went on and on about how I look so much better and it looked like I lost 20lbs or more. I wish! lol More like maybe 7-10lbs since she first met me.

But I think even though the conversation went nice, just talking to people threw my anxiety level to crazy and that is why I don't want to go outside...omg I might see them. They might talk to me again. :(

Lots to talk with my therapist about on Wed.

Failure is not an option

I have really been struggling lately. I think I have hit that spot where normally in the past I have given up. Things get harder, everything feels like it is moving too slow, too much work, I feel overwhelmed, etc... So I end up slipping here and there and then sooner or later I just give up all together.

But not this time. This time I am not giving up!

I won't ever be perfect. I will have bad days. But that doesn't mean it is over. A new day will come and today I will do better then yesterday.

I need to discover why I binge. Why sometimes my stomach is a bottomless pit where nothing can fill it.

I also think my meds still are not where they should be. I am still having so much anxiety. But then I also heard that medication can't cure anxiety it is only supposed to make it more manageable which it is. I also might just need to give it more time to build up in my system.

Today i was going to take a walk but I just didn't want to go outside. I felt all panicky. I couldn't relax. I did a workout on the wii which kicked my butt so atleast I still worked out but I just hate that.

I will talk to my therapist about that Wednesday.

Right now my goal is to manage my diabetes still. And I want to hit Onederland so badly! I am so close. I would ideally love to hit it by Sept 1. But I am ok with hitting it by my birthday Sept 22. I can do it!!

Up to 2 Miles!

Yesterday I went to the therapist and it was a really good session. We talked about how I am not very assertive and how I need to be. How because I'm not I tend to let things bubble up & take over my mind as I obsesses over them. So something small becomes something huge because I am not facing it.

She explained that I have this backpack of rocks that I am carrying around. Each rock is a weight of something bad or uncomfortable that I am not letting go of or or not facing. And it is heavy and it takes me out of the moment. I can't focus on today if I am focused on all of this other crap that is so heavy and in my way.

And everytime I take care of an issue, that weight is lifted and I have more room to focus on my real issues and big problems. I also learn how to deal with issues so that it is easier and in the future I won't put the rock in my bag but just deal with it and move on.

So I have to work on being more assertive! She also wants me to find a way to volunteer at the cat shelter. She also told me I should see my doctor about upping my meds. I was planning on going today but forgot they are closed on Thursdays so tomorrow it is.


This morning I woke up at 4am again...fun! Idk why this keeps happening but it sucks. I wake up and can not go back to sleep for anything. Maybe I am drinking too much water before bed. I will try to cut back so close to bedtime and see if that keeps me asleep longer.

I went for a nice long walk today...2 miles! I decided to just push myself and up it. It went really well. I always start off so rough but as I go along my body adjusts and I am not so anxious, then it is easier.

My FBS was 128 this morning. Yesterday after lunch/before dinner it was the lowest yet at 118. I am feeling quite positive about it all.

Feeling like my life revolves around food...

I sat here last night just alittle while after eating dinner feeling hungry even though it just isn't possible that I really needed more food, I am having a realization that my life revolves around food. I am constantly thinking about food as if I were starving and just dreaming about eating again.

I make bad decisions. I don't know why.I know the right choice, the right options, the right answer and yet I continue to choose the wrong one. Is it self sabotage? Is it just weakness? Am I just defective?

I read a quote that said:
"If you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice"

Why can't I do it? Why can't I give up instant gratification for the long term ones? Maybe because things never work out for me. So I feel like it is never really going to happen. Or I am just weak. I really don't know.

I am having a bad day if you couldn't tell.

To begin with I am stressed out. With my anxiety it is hard for me to stand up for myself or to say anything when I feel I should. So I really hate feeling like I am being taken advantage of, walked on, etc... my roommate is making me feel this way though. Last night I had all the dishes done, kitchen cleaned after dinner. Well he & his GF come in and cook and make a huge mess & leave a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. I am irritated to say the least. I tell my husband and he suggests I wait to be angry because they just finished eating and maybe they will clean it up later. But I knew he wouldn't because they never do.

Morning comes...the kitchen is still a mess, dishes still in the sink, roommate is now at work.

I can understand not wanting to do dishes the second you finish cooking/eating. But I can't just leave them there all day long. Our kitchen isn't big. I will need to get to the sink to cook, wash my own dishes, etc... So now I am pissed off and obsessing over being pissed off.

It doesn't help that I am just in a funk.  Everyday now I am all up and active and positive in the morning. But then some time after lunch I just crash hard. I get tired, restless oh so restless. I feel bored but like nothing sounds interesting to do. I have a hard time focusing.

I think part of it is being tired from waking up early and being active. My body is not used to either lol. But I also think it may be because I am active in the morning and get everything done and then I have nothing to do the rest of the day but sit.

I can't walk in the afternoon, if it isn't raining it is way too hot for that craziness. I can't do videos and stuff because I am too embarrassed to do so with a house full of people and no privacy. But come late evening I can walk. So that is my goal right now to walk in the evening even if I am dead tired just get up and go as far as i feel like.


I have my second therapy session today. So nervous and I've already been once so I shouldn't feel this awful. I really like her too so idk. I have alot to talk about though.


On the bright side yesterday my FBS was 122 & this morning it was 121. The lowest yet!! Goal #2 test more after I eat and before.

Yay for dogs!

I woke up at 5am this morning. I wasn't feeling very good. Had a small binge last night meh. My routine gets messed up and I do things like that. :( I'm disappointed in myself. But all I can do is take it one day at a time. Today will be a better brighter day.

I took a walk this morning. It was just a mile but it was nice. Just a slight chill this morning but lovely out. Still working on the leash walking with my dog Trixie. Having to stop and correct her again and again makes the walk slower, but I am still moving. She does pretty well honestly. She will stop and sit if I stop almost always now, I can call her back to a heal position. She just gets excited and starts pulling. Honestly I just walk too slow for her lol! It makes me feel bad.

I think I may take my walk farther and work on 1.5 miles starting tomorrow, then keep increasing it as the weeks go on.

I do have one really bright point to share. During my walk I started having a panic attack. My legs were getting alittle bit sore, up hill walking meh. I always start to panic right about that point. And it really sucks because I feel like I can't catch my breath, that I can't breathe, my chest tightens. And trying to walk and feel like that makes the walk 300% harder.

But this time I actually used my dog to help me. I knelt down and told her the command and she nuzzled me with her head. It let me catch my breath, relax and calm down. The rest of the walk was much better.

So I am thankful for that.

I am dropping my foster kittens off today with the rescue so they can go to the vet and have some promising homes look at them! I hope they get adopted. They are amazing little kittens, so deserving of great homes. 

I made chicken fajitas for dinner. I have never tried cooking something like that before and am really proud of myself. It turned out great. I cut up all the peppers & onions. My DH teased me at how I was making cutting a pepper far too complicated and he showed me how to cut it the right way :) I then cut up chicken and seasoned it with garlic & mesquite spices. My sister in law had explained how to do it & that I needed a very hot pan and I think that helped the most. They were really yummy. Had them with just alittle bit of cheese and whole wheat tortillas.

 I am also really proud of myself because I have been drinking lots of water now. I need to buy another water bottle and I also need to get some hand weights really bad.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day. I hope it goes as well as I am hoping it does!

A good day turned bad.

Today was the longest day ever. I am beyond exhausted & feel god awful horrible.

It started with me waking up at 5:30am...I went to bed later than I wanted so I didnt get much sleep. Then I had to get ready and get out the door by 7:30am. I went and worked at the spay clinic. It was amazing. I really enjoyed the work. I got to help all these different cats. We had 14 cats to do, only 3 were male. The cats all got rabies, distemper, eat tipped, and flea med. I learned ALOT. I also got to watch the neuter & spays, up close and personal! During 3 spays I held the oxygen mask. It was interesting to watch. I didn't mind the blood & guts at all. I have no idea how the vet does it though because everything looked the same too me! I have never seen a surgery before and it was way different then I imagined.

I am going to start volunteering at the shelter now too. I really liked it. Everyone was super nice. I felt really great too because the woman who invited me gave me some awesome compliments. She was very impressed with all the work I did. Said I should be a vet tech because I just got right in there and took to everything so natural.

It was weird because with my anxiety I really am not good at knowing what to do in unknown situations. But I did do really good. There were some awkward moments for me. A few times I had alittle bit of panic when I wasn't sure what to do. But I am more comfortable around animals and everyone was so relaxed it helped alot.

So I am super proud of myself for that. I was there from 7:30-3pm & then at the shelter until 4pm. As soon as I got home I had to walk down to tractor supply co to get cat food. Which sucked. It was so hot outside and carrying a huge bag of cat food home was work..counting that as a strength workout! lol

But after that I just crashed. I felt so sick, so tired, so sore, so dead. I got dizzy and fell once. Part of it was that I ate just a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and then the entire time I was gone I didn't drink or eat...uh yeah not smart. I just got too busy I didn't think of it.

Then to make things worse...instead of eating something healthy and good when I got home I decided to go across the street to the icecream shop (that yes is right smack across the street from my home) & get a chocolate milkshake. So dumb. Then I ate dinner late because I was just feeling god awful.

I need to be smarter and make better choices for sure. But it made my mood crash so hard. I was cranky & tired and whiny. It didn't help that the people I live with are slobs and I awoke to a huge mess....

Anyways I am exhausted and am going to go pass out because I am dead tired. Tomorrow will be better.

I have more "skinny" clothes than clothes I wear....

I had a productive day today. I woke up without smashing the snooze button to infinity. I got ready and went for a walk! I am so slow & it doesn't help that I am still attempting to train Trixie beautiful loose leash walking skills. She is like 75% there but so far it is more like yo-yo walking skills...sigh

On my walk I ran...what? I know right! Not the whole time. Not even most of the time. Three times, just short little bits of running between one pole to the next. But it felt great. I so want to run but I just can't do it for real yet. I like to put the cart before the horse, ya know do things I am just not ready for yet. I need to work on my walking endurance first. Not giving up the second I get tired. I know I can walk far. The other day I walked all over town and now today a mile is killing me? It is just my head that is lying to me and making me feel like I can't go on, not my body.

Later in the day I decided to do some deep cleaning of the house. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the living room, cleaned my bedroom - which was the worst! I have too many clothes and not enough drawers or hangers. So I was living with just a giant pile of clothes on the dresser of stuff I actually wore. So today I was like well what the hell is in all these drawers then??!

I decided to clean them out and get rid of everything that I am never going to wear and old stuff that should be thrown out. I really do not need 8 different hair dye/dirty work t-shirts lol I also decided to organize the drawers so I can find things.

Some strange things I noticed...

1. I really new comfy underwear. I have ALOT of thongs and sexy things but almost no normal undies! I have no idea what happened to them all...underwear gnomes perhaps?

2. I have far far more "skinny-I will wear this someday" clothes, more than clothes I actually wear.

Being overweight & having such a bad self image, I just do not wear nice things often. I end up throwing on a baggie t-shirt and jeans 99% of the time. But I have alot of very pretty things that I just do not feel comfortable enough to wear. My tummy is too big. It doesn't cover my arm fat. I just look too fat in it (as if wearing this t-shirt people will not notice I am overweight).

Then alot of stuff just doesn't fit anymore. I bought a ton of stuff when I was on my first weightloss kick. I was down in Onderland around 190-185 and was feeling great. Most of it just barely fit and would have looked great after I lost 10-20 more lbs which was fine because I was so on that track....yeah that didn't go so well.

I actually have two items of clothing that I will happy dance all day long when I can fit into them.

The first one is an AMAZING little black dress that I bought on a super insane sale. It was on sale 75% off but even still the sales price was more than I would ever think of spending. But I loved it so so much I had to buy it. This was last year and at the time I could get into it. I could not move or breathe. No way I could actually wear it but I was so close! A few weeks later I couldnt even put it on. So it sits in my closet..waiting for me. When i fit into it I am making my DH take me somewhere nice for dinner so I can wear it!

The second item is this beautiful fairytale like dress that I actually bought for my wedding way back in 2006. I could no way fit into it then though and instead of returning it (they didnt have a bigger size) I decided to keep it for one day. It was from http://www.pyramidcollection.com. That one is going to take me a long time to fit into. Probably close to my goal weight. But when i do I know I will wear it and cry happy tears.



---------------------------

Also I called my doctor today and got the test results from my A1C test. It was 8.9 which is not good. Ideally you want it between 4 - 5.6. Hopefully I can lower that like crazy these next 3 months and when I test again it will be great!

Tomorrow is my first therapy session. I am so nervous as hell. I don't know what to expect which makes it so much worse. I feel like I am going to ramble or cry. I also have a giant fear that she will think I am faking. Just making this all up. I read online that most people who see a therapist do so because they already have self diagnosed themselves and that is why they are seeking help. So I guess I don't feel too weird about it. My other doctor already diagnosed me anyways and put me on meds so really I have no idea why I am worrying...

Medication Woes + My indoor garden

Ugh I am so tired writing this. I am not sleeping well at all. I am not sure if it is the medication or what. I just wake up a million times in the middle of the night. I am tossing and turning like crazy too. I am falling pretty much right back to sleep most of the time but it is annoying. And I keep waking up around 4am and then not being able to fall right back to sleep at that time. Then when I do fall back to sleep I oversleep and don't get up till like 10.

I kindof am on a love/hate feeling with the meds. There is like this window where you are not sure if they are working or not. I find myself constantly questioning if I feel happier, better, less crazy? lol Idk...I think I am just waiting for a magical switch to flip and everything to feel different. But perhaps it won't, right now with me being on such a low dose. I am irritable as hell for sure. But I feel like crap and am not sleeping well so... it is just not easy to tell.

But the worst medication woe is coming from the metformin. I forgot how sick it makes me feel. My stomach is just screaming at me. I am very nauseated. All day long I feel sick like I am going to throw up if I move. Which makes exercise pretty much impossible, also moving, or doing pretty much anything lol. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary but it sucks so much. 

The only upside is that I have less appetite because I feel so sick lol

Testing my blood sugar sucks. Everytime I line the lancet up to my finger to prick I get this moment of hesitation. It doesn't really even hurt usually. Sometimes it is like nothing but it still is just so difficult lol. I am weird. My numbers are godly high. I am only testing my fasting right this moment. It started off at 270 and now that I am taking meds it has slowly gone down everyday. This morning it was 214. Still so high. How am I not dead?


On a happier front my indoor garden is taking off! I have life! Muahahahaha! I am growing catnip & peppers from seeds. Then I used kitchen scraps to grow green onions & lettuce. You just buy green onion/lettuce and cut off the part you are going to use then put the bottom in a bowl of water. Change the water everyday and it will regrow. Like magic! lol

Bipolar, Anxiety, & Diabeties Oh My!

So yesterday I went to the doctor. I was soo nervous. But I really liked the doctor and the staff. Everyone seemed interested in helping me, caring and helpful. They listened to me and seemed to want me to be better. I have seen some doctors that were so not helpful, so this is really great.

I was diagnosed with bipolar & anxiety disorder. The doctor put me on prozac & abilify. A low dosage for now. I am also going to be looking for a therapist to talk with. I feel nervous, sad and crazy. But I also feel good because I know for sure and I am on the right path to get help and maybe things will be better.

I am also now taking care of my diabetes & PCOS again. I am on metformin and testing my blood sugar. This morning was the first time I tested it in a long long time. I was a bit scared to prick my finger omg lol. I don't think I will ever be perfectly used to it. My fasting blood sugar was 270 this morning which is not good at all. I guess it should be between 90-130. So yeah :(


I gave up soda. I was drinking only diet but it was still so bad for me. Yesterday I drank my last one. Well I think I may drink one if I ever go out to eat perhaps though I usually like getting lemonades or margaritas but I won't say never. But no more buying it to have at home. I drink water now, sometimes tea.

I am going to do better diet wise & exercise wise. Right now I have chicken marinating in pesto yum! & some cooking in the oven. Going to make a big salad for dinner.

Ill post more later right now I am about to go eat!

Being brave, seeing a DR, possibly bipolar? Service dogs?

So I have decided to see a doctor finally. *Deep Breath* It is so scary that I may explode. I am not doing well at all. The panic attacks have gotten really bad, where I am having them everyday & several times a day, even without any cause that I can figure out.

I have also started thinking that I may be bipolar. I feel like I am always at extremes and never just normal. Either I am high and doing amazing, I plan, organize, am creative and create projects. Where I throw myself into it 500%, I research every aspect of something, plan these big goals for it like it is already happening, I will fill notebooks with writing it all out, charts, graphs, fill folders on my computer but then idk what happens it falls apart. One day I will be a motivational poster and then next I am acting like the world is ending.

My depression is worse. Days where I just want to die nonstop. It floods me with that thought. I can't do anything. I can't function. I just want it to end.

I won't post everything that is going on in my head. I think some of it is just too private. But I have taken a long hard look at myself. I wrote everything down that is going on and obviously stuff is not right. Idk if I am bipolar or not but I need to see the doctor for sure.

Ofcourse super anxiety girl here just taking that step feels like I am trying to step out in an open chasm filled with spiders or something...I looked at my insurance to see doctors in my area. I wanted to see a female if possible & I would prefer one in walking distance.Well in a small town I do not have a huge list of options.

I have decided to see a GP first. It will help because they can get me back on my meds for my pcos/diabetes. Yay metformin.... and also run tests for I guess thyroid to make sure that isn't causing my issues. Then give me a referral I guess.

This doctor is kindof weird to me, they do same day appointments and I have to call in the early morning to set it up. So i am going to try and go tomorrow.

To prepare I am also going to take a notebook & write down everything that is not great and so I can read it or give it to her. This will help me alot. As I often get so anxious that I forget things or ramble or have a hard time getting stuff out.

Hopefully the doctor is nice. I am praying she is because honestly the amount of courage it is taking me to do this is just insane and if this goes bad I am afraid it will set me back alot. sigh



I am also going to ask her about service dogs. This entire thing actually came up because of service dogs. In the past, I had looked into getting an ESA (emotional support animal), well legally having my pets be that for me. Recently while looking up some help seeing a doctor I read about those with a psychiatric issue getting a service dog (which is different then an ESA. Service dogs are used in all kinds of cases to help people with a disability. I qualify. Many people with my same problems use service dogs. The definition for a disability by the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act)

An individual with a disability is defined by the ADA as a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, a person who has a history or record of such an impairment, or a person who is perceived by others as having such an impairment.

That would be me. I can not work. I can not drive. Most days I can not leave my house. In many situations I just shut down. I have since been doing nonstop research on service dogs & talking with some organizations that have been most helpful. There is alot of information that I did not know about.

1. Anyone with a disability (as defined above) can get a service dog. You should be diagnosed so that you are sure you actually are and to make sure it holds up in court. But you do not actually need a doctors letter or prescription or anything to get one.
2. Your dog also does not need to come from an organization that trains them or be registered or certified. You can also do owner training, and train your own dog.
3. Your service dog does not need to have any ID or vest or anything. People choose to let their dogs wear vests because it is helpful, it show that their dog is a service dog & to try and warn people not to distract/pet their dog. It is also helpful to be like a uniform for the dog, so they know they are working.
4. Any website that attempts to sell certification unless they are actually meeting/training the dog is a huge SCAM. Your dog does not need a certificate, and most people who buy these are just trying to cheat the system and bring their who is not a service dog with them.
5. service dogs can be any breed, even small dogs.

Your dog has to behave in public, if owner training it is suggested that you do obedience training & Canine Good Citizen. If your dog isn't perfectly trained it should not be out in public still. 

The main thing though is that to qualify your dog must do TASKS. 

A task is an individual, discrete (a complete stand alone unit), specific thing that needs doing. It has one cue and one result. It might be a simple behavior or a complex one with multiple steps, but there is always a single objective. Examples of tasks include: opening doors, picking up dropped items, and notifying the handler of the sound of the doorbell. 

1. must be individually trained (not natural behaviors of dogs such as needing to be walked or turning their head when they hear a sound, emotional support, or companionship)
2. must mitigate the person's disability (ie be something the person's disability prevents or substantially limits them from being able to do for themselves)
 From: http://www.servicedogcentral.org/content/faq

Tasks are one thing that is different between ESAs and PSD (psychiatric service dogs). An owner with an ESA is not covered under the ADA. You can not bring your dog into public businesses where any normal dog is not allowed. ESAs are only allowed to be in no pet housing & airplanes. PSD are service dogs and their owners are allowed to bring them everywhere.

So if a dog just comforts you, makes you feel better if you pet it, etc... those DO NOT count as TASKS. It could be an ESA but not a PSD.

This website gives a good list of tasks: http://www.iaadp.org/psd_tasks.html

There is alot more to service dogs but that is just some interesting basic info. I think having that will really help me. Relieve my anxiety, let me go outside & in public & just function without having to sit at home too afraid to step outside.

When I have more time I will talk about the tasks I would need and give some more info about it. Right now I just wanna focus on seeing the doctor and hoping everything goes well.

Happy Memorial Day!

Today I am the mostest (yep mostest) proudest of myself ever!! Me, crazy super anxiety girl, not only went and met complete strangers, outside, by myself (well with Trixie), but I also walked in the parade. Yes tons of people all staring at me & taking pics/videos. I was a rock star.

It was so scary honestly, I had alot of almost chicken out moments. But I did it and I am happy & proud of myself. I even got a super sweet text from my DH saying how proud he was of me. ❤

A local groomer I was interested in was seeking more people to walk in the parade to represent them. I agreed to go. It wasn't a great workout, though moving at all is better then sitting on the couch! Under a mile and was very slow.

Trixie had a blast. As soon as we arrived she got so excited to see all the other dogs & people. But she got shy when we got over to everyone and hid behind me a few times. She was well behaved though. And met each dog. She was a huge fan of a sweet tempered girl named Pepper.

One of the best parts was getting to see a pony and they let me pet it! So soft!

It was alot of fun & I am very glad I did it.

Anyways... going shopping tonight. I have a great plan & shopping list.

I am feeling so amazing right now!

Finding My Goddess Within

Hello world, Welcome to my blog! The purpose of this blog is to be my sacred little slice of the interwebs for me to post all my insane thoughts. Really though it is about my journey to a healthier & happier me!

I really love reading blogs. I follow a bunch and have learned so much, have been motivated & inspired. I feel like I wanted to be apart of that. I do not think of myself as very motivational but perhaps one day lol. I do think though that it is important to share our stories so we can all know that we are not alone. I am diabetic with PCOS & anxiety disorder. It is very difficult to just get out of bed some days much less make meaningful life changes. I think by writing I will motivate & push myself, even if at that moment my only motivation is to have something to write about.

So basically my idea is to post about my journey, the ups and downs of trying to be healthy & achieving that goal. I will share recipes & all my failed cooking attempts because I am scary in the kitchen. New fitness things I find and my fitness progress. I will probably share alot about my pets as well and my struggle to train my dog. There may also be some spiritual flair here and there. I will also be posting about my struggle with my anxiety disorder and my progress and healing.

Why the Goddess Within?

First let me say I am a pagan, I worship the Goddess and nature. Nothing evil about it. I am a peaceful hippy chick who wants peace, love and kittens for all. I think all religion is beautiful though the dogma we try to dictate can be an ugly mess. But being spiritual is important and everyone should find their own path to that.

Anyways...That title has stuck with me for a long time. It came from an old Goddess study group I belonged to. There was a discussion on how we as women often put down ourselves over and over and over again. We would never (I would hope) tell a stranger or a friend that they are a horrible ugly person, but we can tell ourselves that every single day. We are supposed to be seeing the Goddess in all things and yet we were not seeing Her divine beauty in ourselves.

That really struck a cord with me. I put myself down ALOT. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. What a horrible thing to say to anyone, what a horrible thing to say to someone I love, what a horrible thing to say to myself!

So it is about finding my inner Goddess. Being able to say that I am beautiful, confident, lovely, smart, and a piece of the Divine Beauty that is the universe.

It also relates strongly for me in terms of my anxiety. My anxiety is this evil little demon that feeds on my insecurities. Making me feel weak, scared, cowardly. I want to picture myself as an Amazon Warrior Goddess. A huge bow with flaming arrows to knock down my enemies. Where I can stand tall, brave, strong alone and not let anything stand in my way. It is a strong inspiration to me.

There is so much in my life that I want to do but don't because I hold myself back. I want to run. The freedom, the beauty, the peacfulness of it. I love to run. And while being out of shape has made it difficult the biggest issue is my fear. OMG people will see me! It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Rachel & Phoebe run in the park, and Phoebe runs like a moron because she says it is fun & it embarrasses Rachel.

I love nature, I want to be outdoors. I want to explore & hike. I want to climb a damn mountain. I want to be a yoga queen and I am far too scared to take a class and doing it at home I am constantly second guessing myself if I am doing it right or not. I fell in love with the boxing on the Wii and I would love to try boxing. I love to dance and god forbid anyone ever sees me do it.

I have this fit healthy girl inside of me that has been kidnapped and tied up by a lazy, scared, out of shape villain. It is about damn time to set her free. The path will not be easy. There are distractions and giant holes to jump over. I will fall on my face more times then I can imagine. But i will get back up...

Damn right I will. I am a Goddess.