I've returned with Intermittent Fasting *TW- self harm*

So I disappeared for a while... life got..bad to say the least. I fell into a deep dark ugly depression. Where I could barely get out of bed. I wasn't taking any care of myself or my apartment or anything. At my worst moments I was being suicidal & cutting. I was having such bad panic attacks that they were just hitting me all day long and I couldn't leave my apartment.

Things are slightly better right now. No more cutting & not being suicidal. But some things have gotten worse. My husband quit his job...just one night things got bad at work & had been building up for a while so he up and quit. It has been three weeks and he hasn't found a job. He isn't looking either, just watching movies & playing video games all day. I am very worried about money. Idk what we will do. To make it worse, no job = no insurance. Once my meds are gone I can't get them refilled or see my doctor. It is scary.


But besides that I am trying to focus on what I can control. My diet & health is one of those things.

I have been reading alot about intermittent fasting. Specifically Alternate Day 24 Hour Fasting. The plan is this:

Sunday: My free day/cheat day. Eat within reason but I can go off plan.

Monday/Wednesday/Friday: I eat 1400 calories but I stop eating by 5pm. So basically I can eat breakfast and lunch but skip dinner.

Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday: I skip breakfast & lunch but I can eat dinner after 5pm. I only get 400 calories these days though.

So it is a 24 hour fast every other day but I still get a meal each day of the week.

I think it fits my life alot better. As I can eat larger portions. I am actually quite used to skipping meals so I think I can transition into it fairly easy.

This is an interesting site that describes intermittent fasting: http://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting


On top of that I am going partial vegetarian. I've tried vegetarianism before and my longest time with it is 3 months... this time I have decided to ease my way into it. I will refrain from eating meat Monday-Saturday, but on Sunday "my free day" I may eat meat. I am going to try and focus on free ranged stuff. My main reason for going vegetarian is that I care about animals. I don't think eating meat is wrong. I wouldn't be mad at the lion for eating the lamb. But I feel we should do so respectfully for the life and treat them with care. And we do not in any way shape or form. The slaughterhouse is cruel.

I also think it will give me a focus on what I eat and help me stay away from certain foods.

I am feeling really good about these changes and hopefully they help.

Healthy Money Guilt Stress

I literally just want to cry right now. It is taking everything in me not to eat my feelings.

Money sucks sucks sucks. We are really struggling money wise right now and it is a scary thing. It is so hard to focus on my health when it costs so much money.

The first time I was doing really well losing weight and being on plan one of the big factors that made me go off track was money. It was all so expensive, even with insurance. I am going to doctors appointments and my medicines and it all adds up so quickly. I feel guilty.

So here we are again struggling to get by and part of the reason our bank account is so low this paycheck is that I had a check for therapy, a doctors appointment copay, and now my medicine is due. I just got home from the pharmacy and my new medicine I just got put on is $80...which I didn't have. So I couldn't get it.

After I came home I looked online and found on their website a discount card I can try to use that should mean the medicine will only cost me $15-20. If it works.... if it doesn't i will be so embarrassed. Ill go try tomorrow. Because no way can I afford $80 a month.

I am not working and I feel guilty being so sick and having to cost us so much money.

It honestly is disheartening and a huge part of me wants to throw in the towel and give up. IDK if I can do this. I wish someone could just hug me and tell me it will all be ok and it really be ok then.

I wish I was seeing my therapist sooner then Wednesday :( Not that I can afford it.

The good news is that  I got a mile walk in to the pharmacy. And even though I came out of the store super upset I DID NOT go over to Mcdonalds and stuff my face which I was tempted to do. I am eating good today so far and while Im upset and it won't be easy I am determined to stay on plan. My BS was also a bit lower today then it has been which is good.

My goals for today are not to eat my feelings and not to take a nap. Wish me luck I will need it.....

New Meds

Well I went to the doctor today. I had to literally drag myself out of bed kicking and screaming lmao! I so didn't want to get up early but I did. yay me!

The weather is yucky, snowing and cold. So it wasn't any fun walking to the bus stop and then waiting for the bus. The bus was running late so I was a few mins late to the doctors office but it didnt seem to matter.

The doctor switched up my meds. She took me off abilify. Doubled my dose of prozac but I take it twice a day now. And she put me on Seroquel XR. She thinks this will help my depression and help me sleep normally now.

I am also supposed to stop taking naps during the day which will be hard at first. I am so tired. But hopefully i can do it.

She also wants me to start walking atleast 4 times a week. Which was my plan anyways even though the turn of weather is going to make that difficult.

Well we will see how this new medication goes. Fingers crossed it works out all my kinks. Now I just have to let the meds work and focus on my diet and exercise!

A light in the darkness

I've been so so bad. Just a huge mess. I wasn't eating right. I was eating really really bad without any care. I stopped working out. Once again I fell into this darkness and I couldn't climb back out. I just couldn't summon the motivation to wake up and get my act together. I was full of excuses. I know stress had something to do with it. I need better ways to deal with my stress instead of retreating away and falling apart.

Three things have been on my mind lately that are helping me get back on track.

1. I was feeling really really sick. All that bad eating caught up to me and omg I wanted to die. It was really bad. Kindof a big wake up call to my bad eating.

2. I didn't want to go to therapy this week. I am still going to go. but I had my head full of excuses of why I shouldn't go. And even as I was playing it out in my head I knew I was just making excuses and that it was just a bad thing going on. I knew if I didnt go it would be a slippery slope.

3. One of my spark friends is doing absolutely amazing. She is so inspiring me. She is pushing herself farther and being so brave and it wants me to get back to that same place so badly.

I don't feel like I have summoned all that beautiful motivation like I have in the past. I am still feeling rather meh. But I can do this. Small steps make the difference. And if I just start doing small things sooner or later I will get my motivation back.

Tomorrow I am taking a walk, no excuses. I am getting up and walking.
I am back to drinking water again.
Back to testing my Blood Sugar.

Next time I go shopping which will prob be wednesday. I will shop smart. No sweets. No junk. No heavy carb loaded meals. I will eat simply and smart. Watch my portions.

I can do this. I feel scared and full of anxiety. IDK why even. But I am doing it. Wish me well I need it.

Bad bad days

I am in such a downward spiral of just crap. I am so sad feeling and every little thing feels like this huge overwhelming task. I can't get through the day. I just wanna hide away and cry. I am doing so bad.

I see my therapist on Wed and I am so glad because I desperately need to talk it out and maybe get some help.

At the same time I am nervous about seeing my therapist because I am going to talk to her about me having a service dog. I want her to write me a letter for it. I already have a service dog and my doctor wrote me a letter (well she is supposed to be writing it but its taking her forever to do it lol) so I'd like a letter from her too and I think I should talk about it. I guess I am just worried about what she will think, if she will agree that its a good idea or hate it. I read in support groups about some doctors not agreeing to it. That is so not what I need to hear right now.

I have taught my dog two tasks so far. She does tactile stimulation and self harm interrupt. I wanna train her to do diabetic alerts and to bring me my meds as well. Right now we are going to be working on public access focus on me.

Anyways I hope I feel better tomorrow. I wanna take a walk but I feel yucky so I know I won't. Hopefully tomorrow.

Weigh In Disappointment

Today was my weigh in day... I am back up to 210 lbs. I swore I would never see 210 again and there it was staring right up at me with all its evilness.

All I can say is that I am disappointed in myself, angry, upset, feeling quite down. I have no one else to blame but myself. My actions brought me to this point.

I feel like my weight is an echo of my emotions. My therapist said being bipolar, I am ruled by my emotions. Whatever emotion I am feeling in that moment is in the driver's seat, making the decisions. I have to end that cycle, be more in control. But it isn't easy.  And it would be easy to dismiss all my problems on my mental issues. I see my doctor in two weeks and will ask her to up my pills for sure. But there isn't going to be a magic pill that makes everything perfect. It will help me manage it not make life kittens and rainbows.

I watch the show Extreme Weightloss alot. I love it. I know its reality tv and edited and the people get to go to a resort for 3 months with nutritionists and personal trainers. So its so not like real life at all. But I watch the people try so hard. They know what they want and they push themselves toward it.

I am just not really trying. I half a$$ it. Put barely enough effort into it. And yet I expect to see these huge changes. I order pizza two nights a week and eat the entire thing + bread. Hello way over my calories not to mention...I am diabetic. Those carbs are so not what I should be stuffing my face with. I made brownies and ate 1/4 of the pan as a serving. I ate almost an entire box of mac & cheese with over 1/4 bag of breaded chicken strips. Do you see any veggies in there?

I see so many carbs and calories and NOT a girl who is caring about her health and weight at all.

I just wanna cry right now. I wanna slap myself and scream that I need to wake up and do this right. And I am scared that I will sit here and say a bunch of happy motivational crap and then tomorrow eat like crap again.

How do these other people do it? Where do the summon the strength from? How do they resist temptations? How do they not let their bad day ruin everything?

I have to change for real. I need a routine. Structure. I need to not buy crap that I don't trust myself around. No more fast food. I need to up my exercise and actually push myself. I need to not give up. No more hoping. I need to do. But even as I write these words I fear that tomorrow they will go poof and I will once again be picking myself back up sigh. 

Slipping off track & regaining

I am not doing very well. I have slowly let myself slide off plan, so that I wasn't even completely aware of it. I get one little kink in my routine and I get so thrown off. I seriously hate it so much. Why do I let this happen?

Sleep is my big focus on staying on routine.My period hit and I was exhausted more then usual, my sleep schedule changed somewhat. It all just threw me off.

I stopped walking, working out. I stopped tracking my food, which led me to start eating off plan or eating more then I should. I then was eating bad so I stopped testing my blood sugar. It is a nasty cycle that can start with one little kink and just spin out of control.

But I caught myself this time. I can recover & get back on plan. I just have to stay focused.

I think the big problem I have is just that I feel overwhelmed. So much is going on in my life right now. I feel exhausted just trying to focus and balance it all. It is too much and it makes me want to give up.

I gained alot of weight back this week and that really hit me hard. I am never going to get anywhere if everytime I take a step forward I take two backwards.

I just need to focus, lay off the excuses and get it done.

The good news is I got my bike finally!! Woohoo! I have so so so been missing having a bike. I am very excited to try it out....and nervous as hell. My anxiety is through the roof. Because omg I will have to be outside....where people will see me. What if I forgot how to ride a bike? What if I look stupid? What if I fall or crash? What if I can't make it up a hill because I am fat and out of shape?

I know rationally that I shouldn't care. It will be fun and it gives me freedom to go places myself. But it is still so difficult to get past all the fear. It so robs the joy out of it.

 My bike's color is Magenta. It is hard to tell in the pics. It isn't that dark though.



Today i am taking the bus down to the store to return the cargo rack I got for it and get a different one. The one I got was missing screws and bolts lol. Once I get a cargo rack on it I can go shopping and also take my dog with me. Ill just strap her carrier to the cargo rack. Then I can ride down to the park and let her play! I really wanna get a basket for her to ride upfront in but it is a bit expensive so will have to wait prob until my birthday at the end of sept.

Anyways my goal is to start working out again- walking, riding my bike, doing the wii. Track all of my food! And blog more, maybe it will help me stay focused and catch myself if I start to fall off again.

I am a mess

I am so angry at myself right now. Im just upset and disappointed. I wanna curl into a ball and cry. Last night I had pizza for dinner and I totally binged. I ate the entire pizza except 2 slices....

I felt sick afterwards, obviously.

What happened today...I had 4 slices of cold pizza. 

Why do I continue to stuff my face? It is as if whenever food is involved my brain shuts off. All I can think about is shoving as much of it in my face as possible.

There is no logical sense here. I am so sick of being fat. I am so sick of being unhealthy. I want a different life. But I will never have it if I can't stop this.

What is so wrong with me that I can not control myself? Am I just screwed up?

I try so so hard. I have been doing really well. And then I just blow it hard core. The worst part is not understanding why I do it.

I am sitting here crying throwing a pity party for myself but really I just hate this. I hate that it has to be so hard. I hate that I can undo all my hard work in a blink of an eye. I take one step forward and two steps back.

Is this ever going to happen? Am i ever going to achieve my goals? Will I ever be healthy, thin, in shape, happy?


This is difficult. Right now I am hurting deeply. Struggling to hold my head above water. There is a part of me wants to give up.

But I am stronger then I think I am. Stronger then I feel right now in this moment. Tomorrow I will do better. I have to find out the reason behind my binges so I can stop it. Ill talk to my therapist about it. I am also going to talk to my husband about supporting me by not letting me give in to fast food and such. He can be my backup. That is a huge step for me to ask him and let1 him do that.

Not only am I not giving up but I am going to work even harder. I want this so so bad. It has to be possible.

Web Community: Support VS Harsh Truths

I had a really bad day yesterday. I woke up upset, tired and just feeling over all meh. And the day just got worse....Having PCOS is very difficult for me. It screws up your fertility and losing weight can help alot. So being overweight & unhealthy already comes with so much baggage but lets throw the big fat cherry on top & give myself alot of guilt about standing in my own way from the ONE thing I want so badly, being a mom.

Logically it makes perfect sense, if you want something just do it. If you want something ever so badly there should be nothing standing in your way that you can't overcome.

But...if it was that easy we would all be thin and have the perfect careers and be rich & content. Wanting something, even badly doesn't make the road to it any easier. I don't want to be overweight. I don't want to be unhealthy either. It is like you are walking down a road towards your goal. This is the road you have to walk everyday all day long. And on this road you are going to find so much crap in front of you. Days where temptation for junk is ultra high, days where your mood is super low and you just wanna stuff your face & not get out of bed, days where your entire life of bad habits are pulling you in the opposite direction. There is no easy button. It is difficult.

My biggest issues lie in not always knowing what to eat. I have a lifetime full of bad eating habits. I am used to eating pasta & pizza and microwavable junk everyday. Breaking that is difficult & overwhelming for sure. I am getting there but it is a slow process. I also have issues with binging & not eating. I would go all day without eating, be starving and then binge out at night. That is hard to break as well.

Yes I want this. Yes I WILL succeed. But that doesn't mean that I am going to do it perfectly. And there are times when I am feeling down, lost, confused on the best way to walk this path is and need advice or support.



Which brings me to the point of this post....

Yesterday I posted in a PCOS forum asking for support/advice. What I got instead was alot of tears. I posted that I was having a very bad day & was upset and struggling to deal with carbs. Looking for advice from people who had lost weight/controlled their PCOS while not going carb free. Instead I got the rudest reply. They asked if I loved carbs more then I wanted to be a mom. And then went on to say along the lines that if I didn't have self-discipline then how would I raise a child with healthy eating habits. For some reason they felt giving me the "harsh truth" was fitting.

First let me say that I hate it when people feel the need to give a harsh truth. Really do you feel I do not already know I am fat? unhealthy? Am I blind & stupid? It is offensive. Few people are really so oblivious and if you do not personally know them, their situation, or what is going on in their life you should really just bite your tongue. Because you are implying that I didn't already know this & that you can not offer it up in any type of nice way?

There is a TON TON TON of conflicting info out there on if you need to go carb free, super low carb, paleo, etc... or if you can eat a balanced diet and just watch/control your carbs while still enjoying them. I was not seeking a debate. I know people like their plans & what works for them great! But I was specifically looking for those who did enjoy their carbs & advice on THAT. 

Secondly I found the comment very cruel. As I said above there is so much self hate/guilt tied in with this experience for me. Having it shoved in my face when I already state I am not upset is just so mean to me. I can not even grasp why someone would think that was ok. Perhaps I am just not able to fully see the situation idk...And I do not think the person was attempting to be mean or attack me but I have heard stories where like a relative tells someone they shouldn't eat "that" during like a big family gathering in front of everyone. They may mean well but they are going about it like a very rude inconsiderate oaf.

What I do know is that it hurt me very much. I spent the day in the shower & then in bed crying ALOT. Not the most productive way to handle that. Granted I have anxiety/depression so I don't handle things all that well. The good news is I have a different helpful forum in the process.

I go to forums for advice & support from those who are going through the same issues. Ofcourse there is a place for discussion, advice, even debate. But when someone comes seeking help, being open and sharing what they are going through I guess I expect people to be friendly, helpful, caring, supportive. No I do not want an endless supply of fluff, people only telling me it will be ok or lying. But there is a whole bunch of middle ground in between.

All I am saying is be nice people. Weightloss, depression, and all the health complications like diabetes, pcos, etc... can be a difficult struggle for people. Some handle is much easier then others. But there is no easy button. Talking online people can easily be misunderstood or things taken the wrong way. And you do not know the person behind the post, what they are going through. They may be in a very bad place & your comment could be the one that pushes them over. And for those like myself, try and not take comments to heart. It isn't easy, but they are a stranger who doesn't know you. I am not going to let it stop me from posting on other forums.

Be NICE!