Healthy Money Guilt Stress

I literally just want to cry right now. It is taking everything in me not to eat my feelings.

Money sucks sucks sucks. We are really struggling money wise right now and it is a scary thing. It is so hard to focus on my health when it costs so much money.

The first time I was doing really well losing weight and being on plan one of the big factors that made me go off track was money. It was all so expensive, even with insurance. I am going to doctors appointments and my medicines and it all adds up so quickly. I feel guilty.

So here we are again struggling to get by and part of the reason our bank account is so low this paycheck is that I had a check for therapy, a doctors appointment copay, and now my medicine is due. I just got home from the pharmacy and my new medicine I just got put on is $80...which I didn't have. So I couldn't get it.

After I came home I looked online and found on their website a discount card I can try to use that should mean the medicine will only cost me $15-20. If it works.... if it doesn't i will be so embarrassed. Ill go try tomorrow. Because no way can I afford $80 a month.

I am not working and I feel guilty being so sick and having to cost us so much money.

It honestly is disheartening and a huge part of me wants to throw in the towel and give up. IDK if I can do this. I wish someone could just hug me and tell me it will all be ok and it really be ok then.

I wish I was seeing my therapist sooner then Wednesday :( Not that I can afford it.

The good news is that  I got a mile walk in to the pharmacy. And even though I came out of the store super upset I DID NOT go over to Mcdonalds and stuff my face which I was tempted to do. I am eating good today so far and while Im upset and it won't be easy I am determined to stay on plan. My BS was also a bit lower today then it has been which is good.

My goals for today are not to eat my feelings and not to take a nap. Wish me luck I will need it.....

A light in the darkness

I've been so so bad. Just a huge mess. I wasn't eating right. I was eating really really bad without any care. I stopped working out. Once again I fell into this darkness and I couldn't climb back out. I just couldn't summon the motivation to wake up and get my act together. I was full of excuses. I know stress had something to do with it. I need better ways to deal with my stress instead of retreating away and falling apart.

Three things have been on my mind lately that are helping me get back on track.

1. I was feeling really really sick. All that bad eating caught up to me and omg I wanted to die. It was really bad. Kindof a big wake up call to my bad eating.

2. I didn't want to go to therapy this week. I am still going to go. but I had my head full of excuses of why I shouldn't go. And even as I was playing it out in my head I knew I was just making excuses and that it was just a bad thing going on. I knew if I didnt go it would be a slippery slope.

3. One of my spark friends is doing absolutely amazing. She is so inspiring me. She is pushing herself farther and being so brave and it wants me to get back to that same place so badly.

I don't feel like I have summoned all that beautiful motivation like I have in the past. I am still feeling rather meh. But I can do this. Small steps make the difference. And if I just start doing small things sooner or later I will get my motivation back.

Tomorrow I am taking a walk, no excuses. I am getting up and walking.
I am back to drinking water again.
Back to testing my Blood Sugar.

Next time I go shopping which will prob be wednesday. I will shop smart. No sweets. No junk. No heavy carb loaded meals. I will eat simply and smart. Watch my portions.

I can do this. I feel scared and full of anxiety. IDK why even. But I am doing it. Wish me well I need it.

Feeling like my life revolves around food...

I sat here last night just alittle while after eating dinner feeling hungry even though it just isn't possible that I really needed more food, I am having a realization that my life revolves around food. I am constantly thinking about food as if I were starving and just dreaming about eating again.

I make bad decisions. I don't know why.I know the right choice, the right options, the right answer and yet I continue to choose the wrong one. Is it self sabotage? Is it just weakness? Am I just defective?

I read a quote that said:
"If you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice"

Why can't I do it? Why can't I give up instant gratification for the long term ones? Maybe because things never work out for me. So I feel like it is never really going to happen. Or I am just weak. I really don't know.

I am having a bad day if you couldn't tell.

To begin with I am stressed out. With my anxiety it is hard for me to stand up for myself or to say anything when I feel I should. So I really hate feeling like I am being taken advantage of, walked on, etc... my roommate is making me feel this way though. Last night I had all the dishes done, kitchen cleaned after dinner. Well he & his GF come in and cook and make a huge mess & leave a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. I am irritated to say the least. I tell my husband and he suggests I wait to be angry because they just finished eating and maybe they will clean it up later. But I knew he wouldn't because they never do.

Morning comes...the kitchen is still a mess, dishes still in the sink, roommate is now at work.

I can understand not wanting to do dishes the second you finish cooking/eating. But I can't just leave them there all day long. Our kitchen isn't big. I will need to get to the sink to cook, wash my own dishes, etc... So now I am pissed off and obsessing over being pissed off.

It doesn't help that I am just in a funk.  Everyday now I am all up and active and positive in the morning. But then some time after lunch I just crash hard. I get tired, restless oh so restless. I feel bored but like nothing sounds interesting to do. I have a hard time focusing.

I think part of it is being tired from waking up early and being active. My body is not used to either lol. But I also think it may be because I am active in the morning and get everything done and then I have nothing to do the rest of the day but sit.

I can't walk in the afternoon, if it isn't raining it is way too hot for that craziness. I can't do videos and stuff because I am too embarrassed to do so with a house full of people and no privacy. But come late evening I can walk. So that is my goal right now to walk in the evening even if I am dead tired just get up and go as far as i feel like.


I have my second therapy session today. So nervous and I've already been once so I shouldn't feel this awful. I really like her too so idk. I have alot to talk about though.


On the bright side yesterday my FBS was 122 & this morning it was 121. The lowest yet!! Goal #2 test more after I eat and before.