Another Positive Day

I am having another real positive day. Yesterday my FBS was 117. Which while not perfect is much better then it has been. And today my predinner BS was just 104! I actually felt alittle light headed as I am not so used to the lower numbers right now. But this is really good it means my numbers are coming down nicely and if I keep working at it like I am they should be where they need to be shortly. Yay me. I went to therapy today and it went really well. It is nice to have someone impartial to talk to about it that agrees with me. It eases my concerns. We also talked about my issue with Christmas dinner. We go to my inlaws and everything they make for dinner is stuff I do not eat- ham, polish sausage, potato salad. I just don't like any of it. And it puts me in this awkward predicament which for someone with panic disorder is really sucky. I don't want to expect them to make a whole other meal for me and yet my husband just wants me to wing it and find something to eat there. Like idk maybe he is embarrassed by his picky wife. But my therapist thinks I should just not even worry about it and bring a lasagna or something to eat that can be for everyone if they want it and Ill have something to eat. It sounds like a plan. I might do a baked ziti with roasted veggies. I saw a recipe that looked yummy. I can premake it all and put it together then just toss it in the oven to melt the cheese when I get there. I didn't walk today :( I wanted to but it was snowing with some harsh wind and after I got out of therapy I just wasn't feeling up to walking. Hopefully the weather is a bit nicer tomorrow. I didn't nap again today so that makes 5 days without taking a nap! But it was a real struggle not to. But I am realizing it seems to come with the boredom. I just need to find things to do. I didn't do much today at all. I did clean out my fridge & freezer which badly needed it. I can't go shopping till prob fri or sat but when I do ill have plenty of room to fill up. Anyways I am just happy and in a good mood :) My therapist even noticed and said I seem alot calmer and better. So maybe my new pills and upping the prozac is working!

Up to 2 Miles!

Yesterday I went to the therapist and it was a really good session. We talked about how I am not very assertive and how I need to be. How because I'm not I tend to let things bubble up & take over my mind as I obsesses over them. So something small becomes something huge because I am not facing it.

She explained that I have this backpack of rocks that I am carrying around. Each rock is a weight of something bad or uncomfortable that I am not letting go of or or not facing. And it is heavy and it takes me out of the moment. I can't focus on today if I am focused on all of this other crap that is so heavy and in my way.

And everytime I take care of an issue, that weight is lifted and I have more room to focus on my real issues and big problems. I also learn how to deal with issues so that it is easier and in the future I won't put the rock in my bag but just deal with it and move on.

So I have to work on being more assertive! She also wants me to find a way to volunteer at the cat shelter. She also told me I should see my doctor about upping my meds. I was planning on going today but forgot they are closed on Thursdays so tomorrow it is.


This morning I woke up at 4am again...fun! Idk why this keeps happening but it sucks. I wake up and can not go back to sleep for anything. Maybe I am drinking too much water before bed. I will try to cut back so close to bedtime and see if that keeps me asleep longer.

I went for a nice long walk today...2 miles! I decided to just push myself and up it. It went really well. I always start off so rough but as I go along my body adjusts and I am not so anxious, then it is easier.

My FBS was 128 this morning. Yesterday after lunch/before dinner it was the lowest yet at 118. I am feeling quite positive about it all.

I have more "skinny" clothes than clothes I wear....

I had a productive day today. I woke up without smashing the snooze button to infinity. I got ready and went for a walk! I am so slow & it doesn't help that I am still attempting to train Trixie beautiful loose leash walking skills. She is like 75% there but so far it is more like yo-yo walking skills...sigh

On my walk I ran...what? I know right! Not the whole time. Not even most of the time. Three times, just short little bits of running between one pole to the next. But it felt great. I so want to run but I just can't do it for real yet. I like to put the cart before the horse, ya know do things I am just not ready for yet. I need to work on my walking endurance first. Not giving up the second I get tired. I know I can walk far. The other day I walked all over town and now today a mile is killing me? It is just my head that is lying to me and making me feel like I can't go on, not my body.

Later in the day I decided to do some deep cleaning of the house. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the living room, cleaned my bedroom - which was the worst! I have too many clothes and not enough drawers or hangers. So I was living with just a giant pile of clothes on the dresser of stuff I actually wore. So today I was like well what the hell is in all these drawers then??!

I decided to clean them out and get rid of everything that I am never going to wear and old stuff that should be thrown out. I really do not need 8 different hair dye/dirty work t-shirts lol I also decided to organize the drawers so I can find things.

Some strange things I noticed...

1. I really new comfy underwear. I have ALOT of thongs and sexy things but almost no normal undies! I have no idea what happened to them all...underwear gnomes perhaps?

2. I have far far more "skinny-I will wear this someday" clothes, more than clothes I actually wear.

Being overweight & having such a bad self image, I just do not wear nice things often. I end up throwing on a baggie t-shirt and jeans 99% of the time. But I have alot of very pretty things that I just do not feel comfortable enough to wear. My tummy is too big. It doesn't cover my arm fat. I just look too fat in it (as if wearing this t-shirt people will not notice I am overweight).

Then alot of stuff just doesn't fit anymore. I bought a ton of stuff when I was on my first weightloss kick. I was down in Onderland around 190-185 and was feeling great. Most of it just barely fit and would have looked great after I lost 10-20 more lbs which was fine because I was so on that track....yeah that didn't go so well.

I actually have two items of clothing that I will happy dance all day long when I can fit into them.

The first one is an AMAZING little black dress that I bought on a super insane sale. It was on sale 75% off but even still the sales price was more than I would ever think of spending. But I loved it so so much I had to buy it. This was last year and at the time I could get into it. I could not move or breathe. No way I could actually wear it but I was so close! A few weeks later I couldnt even put it on. So it sits in my closet..waiting for me. When i fit into it I am making my DH take me somewhere nice for dinner so I can wear it!

The second item is this beautiful fairytale like dress that I actually bought for my wedding way back in 2006. I could no way fit into it then though and instead of returning it (they didnt have a bigger size) I decided to keep it for one day. It was from http://www.pyramidcollection.com. That one is going to take me a long time to fit into. Probably close to my goal weight. But when i do I know I will wear it and cry happy tears.



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Also I called my doctor today and got the test results from my A1C test. It was 8.9 which is not good. Ideally you want it between 4 - 5.6. Hopefully I can lower that like crazy these next 3 months and when I test again it will be great!

Tomorrow is my first therapy session. I am so nervous as hell. I don't know what to expect which makes it so much worse. I feel like I am going to ramble or cry. I also have a giant fear that she will think I am faking. Just making this all up. I read online that most people who see a therapist do so because they already have self diagnosed themselves and that is why they are seeking help. So I guess I don't feel too weird about it. My other doctor already diagnosed me anyways and put me on meds so really I have no idea why I am worrying...

So much is going on....

I have started tracking my food again. It is difficult still and can be overwhelming but I think it is worth it to see my blood sugar and how I gain or lose. So yay me.

Food wise I am not doing perfect. But I am getting better and that is what matters. Last night I made hamburgers for dinner and macaroni and cheese. I should have had a salad or veggies with it but I didn't :( But on the positive I would have usually eaten two hamburgers and I only ate one. I even only cooked one for myself. I was very proud of that.I am also eating fruit too. An apple or two everyday & I have grapes, watermelon and a melon to cut up.

I am also drinking more water yay! I filled up my brita water bottle and it helped alot. IDK why I drink more from a water bottle lol I am so weird. I need to get a second one so I can have one in the fridge cold and one drinking.

This morning my FBS was 161, higher then yesterday. I did have a bit of a big dinner and then foolishly drank sweet tea right before bed so that may have affected it.

My stomach was much better yesterday, not perfect but I wasn't just in ugh all day. Still some bathroom issues. TMI lol. But this morning I made a huge mistake of having a glass of cranberry juice and it wrecked me hard. IDK if it was because of the milk from my cereal or from the medicine, or some combination of all of it. But no no no. :(

Last night I slept well but falling asleep did not work out as planned. I had a very hard time sleeping. I felt something on my arm like a bug bite even though there was no mark.. and then I could not stop thinking about bugs crawling on me. So I kept "feeling" bugs and itching like crazy. I got up twice turned on the light, shook out my sheets. There was no bugs. I was just going crazy. Sigh.



I have my first therapy session Wednesday! eek I am so scared. The process of finding a therapist was incredibly difficult for one. But I finally found one and she just got in touch with me so yay. And her office is super close to where I live so I can walk there. I am so nervous omg.