I am a mess

I am so angry at myself right now. Im just upset and disappointed. I wanna curl into a ball and cry. Last night I had pizza for dinner and I totally binged. I ate the entire pizza except 2 slices....

I felt sick afterwards, obviously.

What happened today...I had 4 slices of cold pizza. 

Why do I continue to stuff my face? It is as if whenever food is involved my brain shuts off. All I can think about is shoving as much of it in my face as possible.

There is no logical sense here. I am so sick of being fat. I am so sick of being unhealthy. I want a different life. But I will never have it if I can't stop this.

What is so wrong with me that I can not control myself? Am I just screwed up?

I try so so hard. I have been doing really well. And then I just blow it hard core. The worst part is not understanding why I do it.

I am sitting here crying throwing a pity party for myself but really I just hate this. I hate that it has to be so hard. I hate that I can undo all my hard work in a blink of an eye. I take one step forward and two steps back.

Is this ever going to happen? Am i ever going to achieve my goals? Will I ever be healthy, thin, in shape, happy?


This is difficult. Right now I am hurting deeply. Struggling to hold my head above water. There is a part of me wants to give up.

But I am stronger then I think I am. Stronger then I feel right now in this moment. Tomorrow I will do better. I have to find out the reason behind my binges so I can stop it. Ill talk to my therapist about it. I am also going to talk to my husband about supporting me by not letting me give in to fast food and such. He can be my backup. That is a huge step for me to ask him and let1 him do that.

Not only am I not giving up but I am going to work even harder. I want this so so bad. It has to be possible.