I've returned with Intermittent Fasting *TW- self harm*

So I disappeared for a while... life got..bad to say the least. I fell into a deep dark ugly depression. Where I could barely get out of bed. I wasn't taking any care of myself or my apartment or anything. At my worst moments I was being suicidal & cutting. I was having such bad panic attacks that they were just hitting me all day long and I couldn't leave my apartment.

Things are slightly better right now. No more cutting & not being suicidal. But some things have gotten worse. My husband quit his job...just one night things got bad at work & had been building up for a while so he up and quit. It has been three weeks and he hasn't found a job. He isn't looking either, just watching movies & playing video games all day. I am very worried about money. Idk what we will do. To make it worse, no job = no insurance. Once my meds are gone I can't get them refilled or see my doctor. It is scary.


But besides that I am trying to focus on what I can control. My diet & health is one of those things.

I have been reading alot about intermittent fasting. Specifically Alternate Day 24 Hour Fasting. The plan is this:

Sunday: My free day/cheat day. Eat within reason but I can go off plan.

Monday/Wednesday/Friday: I eat 1400 calories but I stop eating by 5pm. So basically I can eat breakfast and lunch but skip dinner.

Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday: I skip breakfast & lunch but I can eat dinner after 5pm. I only get 400 calories these days though.

So it is a 24 hour fast every other day but I still get a meal each day of the week.

I think it fits my life alot better. As I can eat larger portions. I am actually quite used to skipping meals so I think I can transition into it fairly easy.

This is an interesting site that describes intermittent fasting: http://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting


On top of that I am going partial vegetarian. I've tried vegetarianism before and my longest time with it is 3 months... this time I have decided to ease my way into it. I will refrain from eating meat Monday-Saturday, but on Sunday "my free day" I may eat meat. I am going to try and focus on free ranged stuff. My main reason for going vegetarian is that I care about animals. I don't think eating meat is wrong. I wouldn't be mad at the lion for eating the lamb. But I feel we should do so respectfully for the life and treat them with care. And we do not in any way shape or form. The slaughterhouse is cruel.

I also think it will give me a focus on what I eat and help me stay away from certain foods.

I am feeling really good about these changes and hopefully they help.

My Meds Are Working!

So I had a great Christmas. We went to my inlaws and celebrated Christmas eve. Then on Christmas day we went over to DH's grandparents house for a bit.

The holidays are a perfect test of my meds, I am around a bunch of people. Usually it sucked big time. I am ultra quiet. I hang out by DH like I am glued to him. I have sneaked off to the bathroom to cry. I am so nervous that I make myself literally sick. I have panic attacks the entire time.

Well instead it was wonderful. It wasn't perfect, don't get me wrong. I didn't have some miracle change where I am a whole new person lol. I wasn't the life of the party, or a chatty cathy. But I only had one small panic attack when we first arrived. I wasn't sick with nerves. I talked to people some. I didn't cry which is always a good sign. I didn't feel the need to stick to DH as much.

Honestly it was a breath of fresh air. It means my meds are working. And I see a noticeable difference. I can't even express how happy that makes me. I can't wait to tell my doctor and therapist!

That was the greatest part of Christmas for me :)

Everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts we got them. Which I am glad :) I loved my gifts!

I wanted to redo my kitchen in purple and my wish was granted. I got purple hand towels, pot holders, serving spoons, all kinds of utensils, two cutting boards and best of all....purple plates. I can't tell you how excited I was over the plates lol. I seriously love them. They are the Rachel Ray collection.  They are round and square at the same time which makes them look really neat.

 

With a gift card I bought myself the fitbit zip. And I seriously LOVE it already. It is really neat. It tracks distance and steps. I know I am nowhere near 10k steps a day but hopefully this inspires me to try. What i really love about it is that it syncs with sparkpeople. So after my walk I can come home and sync it and it auto loads up my distance and time. So no more having to track it on my phone app and then putting it in manually. 

The only downside is that it is so tiny. I am so afraid I will lose it. I have it hooked to the inside of my bra so it won't fall off no matter what. Which it has a nice tight hook so I doubt it would come off easily. 

I also got a video game, Dragon Age Inquisition. I am a big fan of the other two dragon age games so I was pretty excited for this to come out. So far though I am not loving the game. Its very different from the other two and will take some getting used to for sure. Maybe once the story progresses I will like it more...hopefully. 

Anyways diet wise I did very well over the holidays. I ended up skipping lunch both Christmas eve and Christmas. So that helped I am sure. I didn't stuff myself or come even close either. I did eat some cheesecake and cookies though. It was delicious no regrets. :) It was Christmas. Exercise wise I took the dog for a walk around the block both days but that is it. Still I was moving so yay. 

Last night I also took a walk. I am trying once again to walk every evening. & I would like to then add walking in the morning too. We will see. The weather is beautiful right now so I should take full advantage of it.

Today I have a pretty busy day of cleaning, taking down all the Christmas stuff. I need to pick up the living room its a mess lol. And clean the rats cage and organize my bedroom alittle bit better. 

Yay for dogs!

I woke up at 5am this morning. I wasn't feeling very good. Had a small binge last night meh. My routine gets messed up and I do things like that. :( I'm disappointed in myself. But all I can do is take it one day at a time. Today will be a better brighter day.

I took a walk this morning. It was just a mile but it was nice. Just a slight chill this morning but lovely out. Still working on the leash walking with my dog Trixie. Having to stop and correct her again and again makes the walk slower, but I am still moving. She does pretty well honestly. She will stop and sit if I stop almost always now, I can call her back to a heal position. She just gets excited and starts pulling. Honestly I just walk too slow for her lol! It makes me feel bad.

I think I may take my walk farther and work on 1.5 miles starting tomorrow, then keep increasing it as the weeks go on.

I do have one really bright point to share. During my walk I started having a panic attack. My legs were getting alittle bit sore, up hill walking meh. I always start to panic right about that point. And it really sucks because I feel like I can't catch my breath, that I can't breathe, my chest tightens. And trying to walk and feel like that makes the walk 300% harder.

But this time I actually used my dog to help me. I knelt down and told her the command and she nuzzled me with her head. It let me catch my breath, relax and calm down. The rest of the walk was much better.

So I am thankful for that.

I am dropping my foster kittens off today with the rescue so they can go to the vet and have some promising homes look at them! I hope they get adopted. They are amazing little kittens, so deserving of great homes. 

I made chicken fajitas for dinner. I have never tried cooking something like that before and am really proud of myself. It turned out great. I cut up all the peppers & onions. My DH teased me at how I was making cutting a pepper far too complicated and he showed me how to cut it the right way :) I then cut up chicken and seasoned it with garlic & mesquite spices. My sister in law had explained how to do it & that I needed a very hot pan and I think that helped the most. They were really yummy. Had them with just alittle bit of cheese and whole wheat tortillas.

 I am also really proud of myself because I have been drinking lots of water now. I need to buy another water bottle and I also need to get some hand weights really bad.

Tomorrow is my weigh in day. I hope it goes as well as I am hoping it does!