I've been so so bad. Just a huge mess. I wasn't eating right. I was eating really really bad without any care. I stopped working out. Once again I fell into this darkness and I couldn't climb back out. I just couldn't summon the motivation to wake up and get my act together. I was full of excuses. I know stress had something to do with it. I need better ways to deal with my stress instead of retreating away and falling apart.
Three things have been on my mind lately that are helping me get back on track.
1. I was feeling really really sick. All that bad eating caught up to me and omg I wanted to die. It was really bad. Kindof a big wake up call to my bad eating.
2. I didn't want to go to therapy this week. I am still going to go. but I had my head full of excuses of why I shouldn't go. And even as I was playing it out in my head I knew I was just making excuses and that it was just a bad thing going on. I knew if I didnt go it would be a slippery slope.
3. One of my spark friends is doing absolutely amazing. She is so inspiring me. She is pushing herself farther and being so brave and it wants me to get back to that same place so badly.
I don't feel like I have summoned all that beautiful motivation like I have in the past. I am still feeling rather meh. But I can do this. Small steps make the difference. And if I just start doing small things sooner or later I will get my motivation back.
Tomorrow I am taking a walk, no excuses. I am getting up and walking.
I am back to drinking water again.
Back to testing my Blood Sugar.
Next time I go shopping which will prob be wednesday. I will shop smart. No sweets. No junk. No heavy carb loaded meals. I will eat simply and smart. Watch my portions.
I can do this. I feel scared and full of anxiety. IDK why even. But I am doing it. Wish me well I need it.
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motivation. Show all posts
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Weigh In Disappointment
Today was my weigh in day... I am back up to 210 lbs. I swore I would never see 210 again and there it was staring right up at me with all its evilness.
All I can say is that I am disappointed in myself, angry, upset, feeling quite down. I have no one else to blame but myself. My actions brought me to this point.
I feel like my weight is an echo of my emotions. My therapist said being bipolar, I am ruled by my emotions. Whatever emotion I am feeling in that moment is in the driver's seat, making the decisions. I have to end that cycle, be more in control. But it isn't easy. And it would be easy to dismiss all my problems on my mental issues. I see my doctor in two weeks and will ask her to up my pills for sure. But there isn't going to be a magic pill that makes everything perfect. It will help me manage it not make life kittens and rainbows.
I watch the show Extreme Weightloss alot. I love it. I know its reality tv and edited and the people get to go to a resort for 3 months with nutritionists and personal trainers. So its so not like real life at all. But I watch the people try so hard. They know what they want and they push themselves toward it.
I am just not really trying. I half a$$ it. Put barely enough effort into it. And yet I expect to see these huge changes. I order pizza two nights a week and eat the entire thing + bread. Hello way over my calories not to mention...I am diabetic. Those carbs are so not what I should be stuffing my face with. I made brownies and ate 1/4 of the pan as a serving. I ate almost an entire box of mac & cheese with over 1/4 bag of breaded chicken strips. Do you see any veggies in there?
I see so many carbs and calories and NOT a girl who is caring about her health and weight at all.
I just wanna cry right now. I wanna slap myself and scream that I need to wake up and do this right. And I am scared that I will sit here and say a bunch of happy motivational crap and then tomorrow eat like crap again.
How do these other people do it? Where do the summon the strength from? How do they resist temptations? How do they not let their bad day ruin everything?
I have to change for real. I need a routine. Structure. I need to not buy crap that I don't trust myself around. No more fast food. I need to up my exercise and actually push myself. I need to not give up. No more hoping. I need to do. But even as I write these words I fear that tomorrow they will go poof and I will once again be picking myself back up sigh.
All I can say is that I am disappointed in myself, angry, upset, feeling quite down. I have no one else to blame but myself. My actions brought me to this point.
I feel like my weight is an echo of my emotions. My therapist said being bipolar, I am ruled by my emotions. Whatever emotion I am feeling in that moment is in the driver's seat, making the decisions. I have to end that cycle, be more in control. But it isn't easy. And it would be easy to dismiss all my problems on my mental issues. I see my doctor in two weeks and will ask her to up my pills for sure. But there isn't going to be a magic pill that makes everything perfect. It will help me manage it not make life kittens and rainbows.
I watch the show Extreme Weightloss alot. I love it. I know its reality tv and edited and the people get to go to a resort for 3 months with nutritionists and personal trainers. So its so not like real life at all. But I watch the people try so hard. They know what they want and they push themselves toward it.
I am just not really trying. I half a$$ it. Put barely enough effort into it. And yet I expect to see these huge changes. I order pizza two nights a week and eat the entire thing + bread. Hello way over my calories not to mention...I am diabetic. Those carbs are so not what I should be stuffing my face with. I made brownies and ate 1/4 of the pan as a serving. I ate almost an entire box of mac & cheese with over 1/4 bag of breaded chicken strips. Do you see any veggies in there?
I see so many carbs and calories and NOT a girl who is caring about her health and weight at all.
I just wanna cry right now. I wanna slap myself and scream that I need to wake up and do this right. And I am scared that I will sit here and say a bunch of happy motivational crap and then tomorrow eat like crap again.
How do these other people do it? Where do the summon the strength from? How do they resist temptations? How do they not let their bad day ruin everything?
I have to change for real. I need a routine. Structure. I need to not buy crap that I don't trust myself around. No more fast food. I need to up my exercise and actually push myself. I need to not give up. No more hoping. I need to do. But even as I write these words I fear that tomorrow they will go poof and I will once again be picking myself back up sigh.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Finding My Goddess Within
Hello world, Welcome to my blog! The purpose of this blog is to be my sacred little slice of the interwebs for me to post all my insane thoughts. Really though it is about my journey to a healthier & happier me!
I really love reading blogs. I follow a bunch and have learned so much, have been motivated & inspired. I feel like I wanted to be apart of that. I do not think of myself as very motivational but perhaps one day lol. I do think though that it is important to share our stories so we can all know that we are not alone. I am diabetic with PCOS & anxiety disorder. It is very difficult to just get out of bed some days much less make meaningful life changes. I think by writing I will motivate & push myself, even if at that moment my only motivation is to have something to write about.
So basically my idea is to post about my journey, the ups and downs of trying to be healthy & achieving that goal. I will share recipes & all my failed cooking attempts because I am scary in the kitchen. New fitness things I find and my fitness progress. I will probably share alot about my pets as well and my struggle to train my dog. There may also be some spiritual flair here and there. I will also be posting about my struggle with my anxiety disorder and my progress and healing.
Why the Goddess Within?
First let me say I am a pagan, I worship the Goddess and nature. Nothing evil about it. I am a peaceful hippy chick who wants peace, love and kittens for all. I think all religion is beautiful though the dogma we try to dictate can be an ugly mess. But being spiritual is important and everyone should find their own path to that.
Anyways...That title has stuck with me for a long time. It came from an old Goddess study group I belonged to. There was a discussion on how we as women often put down ourselves over and over and over again. We would never (I would hope) tell a stranger or a friend that they are a horrible ugly person, but we can tell ourselves that every single day. We are supposed to be seeing the Goddess in all things and yet we were not seeing Her divine beauty in ourselves.
That really struck a cord with me. I put myself down ALOT. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. What a horrible thing to say to anyone, what a horrible thing to say to someone I love, what a horrible thing to say to myself!
So it is about finding my inner Goddess. Being able to say that I am beautiful, confident, lovely, smart, and a piece of the Divine Beauty that is the universe.
It also relates strongly for me in terms of my anxiety. My anxiety is this evil little demon that feeds on my insecurities. Making me feel weak, scared, cowardly. I want to picture myself as an Amazon Warrior Goddess. A huge bow with flaming arrows to knock down my enemies. Where I can stand tall, brave, strong alone and not let anything stand in my way. It is a strong inspiration to me.
There is so much in my life that I want to do but don't because I hold myself back. I want to run. The freedom, the beauty, the peacfulness of it. I love to run. And while being out of shape has made it difficult the biggest issue is my fear. OMG people will see me! It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Rachel & Phoebe run in the park, and Phoebe runs like a moron because she says it is fun & it embarrasses Rachel.
I love nature, I want to be outdoors. I want to explore & hike. I want to climb a damn mountain. I want to be a yoga queen and I am far too scared to take a class and doing it at home I am constantly second guessing myself if I am doing it right or not. I fell in love with the boxing on the Wii and I would love to try boxing. I love to dance and god forbid anyone ever sees me do it.
I have this fit healthy girl inside of me that has been kidnapped and tied up by a lazy, scared, out of shape villain. It is about damn time to set her free. The path will not be easy. There are distractions and giant holes to jump over. I will fall on my face more times then I can imagine. But i will get back up...
Damn right I will. I am a Goddess.
I really love reading blogs. I follow a bunch and have learned so much, have been motivated & inspired. I feel like I wanted to be apart of that. I do not think of myself as very motivational but perhaps one day lol. I do think though that it is important to share our stories so we can all know that we are not alone. I am diabetic with PCOS & anxiety disorder. It is very difficult to just get out of bed some days much less make meaningful life changes. I think by writing I will motivate & push myself, even if at that moment my only motivation is to have something to write about.
So basically my idea is to post about my journey, the ups and downs of trying to be healthy & achieving that goal. I will share recipes & all my failed cooking attempts because I am scary in the kitchen. New fitness things I find and my fitness progress. I will probably share alot about my pets as well and my struggle to train my dog. There may also be some spiritual flair here and there. I will also be posting about my struggle with my anxiety disorder and my progress and healing.
Why the Goddess Within?
First let me say I am a pagan, I worship the Goddess and nature. Nothing evil about it. I am a peaceful hippy chick who wants peace, love and kittens for all. I think all religion is beautiful though the dogma we try to dictate can be an ugly mess. But being spiritual is important and everyone should find their own path to that.
Anyways...That title has stuck with me for a long time. It came from an old Goddess study group I belonged to. There was a discussion on how we as women often put down ourselves over and over and over again. We would never (I would hope) tell a stranger or a friend that they are a horrible ugly person, but we can tell ourselves that every single day. We are supposed to be seeing the Goddess in all things and yet we were not seeing Her divine beauty in ourselves.
That really struck a cord with me. I put myself down ALOT. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm stupid. What a horrible thing to say to anyone, what a horrible thing to say to someone I love, what a horrible thing to say to myself!
So it is about finding my inner Goddess. Being able to say that I am beautiful, confident, lovely, smart, and a piece of the Divine Beauty that is the universe.
It also relates strongly for me in terms of my anxiety. My anxiety is this evil little demon that feeds on my insecurities. Making me feel weak, scared, cowardly. I want to picture myself as an Amazon Warrior Goddess. A huge bow with flaming arrows to knock down my enemies. Where I can stand tall, brave, strong alone and not let anything stand in my way. It is a strong inspiration to me.
There is so much in my life that I want to do but don't because I hold myself back. I want to run. The freedom, the beauty, the peacfulness of it. I love to run. And while being out of shape has made it difficult the biggest issue is my fear. OMG people will see me! It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Rachel & Phoebe run in the park, and Phoebe runs like a moron because she says it is fun & it embarrasses Rachel.
I love nature, I want to be outdoors. I want to explore & hike. I want to climb a damn mountain. I want to be a yoga queen and I am far too scared to take a class and doing it at home I am constantly second guessing myself if I am doing it right or not. I fell in love with the boxing on the Wii and I would love to try boxing. I love to dance and god forbid anyone ever sees me do it.
I have this fit healthy girl inside of me that has been kidnapped and tied up by a lazy, scared, out of shape villain. It is about damn time to set her free. The path will not be easy. There are distractions and giant holes to jump over. I will fall on my face more times then I can imagine. But i will get back up...
Damn right I will. I am a Goddess.
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