Stopped a binge!

So this morning I woke up and dragged myself out of bed. I really didn't want to get up. My bed was warm and cozy. But I got up and took my morning walk which wasn't that bad. It wasn't too chilly and the wind wasn't too bad.

Then things took a bad turn. I bought a big bag of trail mix and I just binged out eating almost the entire bag. Almost 1k calories. :( I am so so so mad at myself. I kept saying just one serving more, one more....and then I tracked it and wow, it adds up fast.

Then my DH came home from work early and wanted me to order pizza. I decided to be smart and I got myself thin crust with just onions and green peppers on it. Which is really not that bad of calories for a serving. But I started binging again. Pizza is a trigger food for me, its really hard for me to stop.

But I stopped! I ate alot. But mid binge I argued with myself and was able to stop. Such a big part of me kept saying you already screwed up might as well keep going. But I didn't listen. This is an amazing breakthrough for me.

I have mixed emotions between being mad at myself for binging on the trail mix and then on the pizza and being happy that I was able to stop.

Tomorrow is my weigh in and its not looking good. But it shouldn't be horrible either. Hopefully. Not a great start to the new year. sigh

And my evening walk was canceled because it was raining and the rain mixed with all the snow was making it super slippery. I started to walk but had to turn around and go home.

Yesterday I walked over 7500 steps. On my way to 10k a day!

I didn't get my room cleaned today. DH came home and took a nap and I didn't want to bother him. But I will get it done tomorrow. I am going to clear a space out so I can do yoga and workout in and bring the dvd player and wii in to the bedroom so I can workout in privacy. No more excuses.

So I have alot of mixed emotions. Some good stuff some bad. I just need to take a deep breath, relax and look towards tomorrow. Wish me luck I need it.

Dad issues....

I had a pretty good day today. I woke up kindof late and even though everything was covered in snow I took my butt out for a walk anyways. Yay me. The wind was awful :( But I am glad I went. It is more difficult to walk in snow and I had to be careful where I stepped because some areas were a bit slippery. But overall it went well.

I ate pretty well today. Under my calories. But I ended up being bored/hungry and grazed through lunch :( I bought too many snack type items. Even though they are find in moderation I just wanted to ravish them all. But I still did good so I am happy.

I got in an evening walk as well. It was much nicer this evening. No ugly wind. I walked down to the store near me and grabbed some strawberries which I had as a snack after dinner. And then I walked over to the pharmacy to pick up one of my prescriptions.

I needed some new vitamins and rite aid was having a sale buy one get one free so yay I lucked out there.

The bad news of the day is that I got a card from my father...which brought up alot of feelings. He said he would love to hear from me and life is too short. I haven't spoken to him in quite a long time. And the last time I did speak to him I told him I never wanted to talk to him ever again, disowned him and told him he was out of my life.

My father is a really bad guy. Not to get into it too much but He has done some unforgivable things and is currently in prison. And the general public would probably like to see him dead. My brother won't have anything to do with him either. My sister still talks to him sometimes but has told him in her world he would be dead so yeah.... He is a really bad person. My DH wants me to have no contact with him as well.

It isn't so easy for me to just write someone out of my life. I feel a prang of guilt. Like am I not a better person who could forgive? Are some things forgivable? Would writing him make me feel better? Make me feel anything at all? I could write him and tell him what I think of him but that just seems cruel. If he died tomorrow IDK if I would feel anything. So writing him would probably only be for his benefit, and I am not sure he deserves that.

Anyways on a lighter note....I am hoping tomorrow goes a bit better eating wise and just as great exercise wise. I am going to clean up my bedroom so I can have a spot to do yoga in.

I also joined a rep a day challenge, where each day of the year you add one more rep. I am doing push ups and squats. So yesterday I did one of each and today I did two of each as its the second. by the end of the year Ill have to do 365!

Winter VS Fitness Goals

So I set myself some goals to walk twice everyday from now on. It sounded perfect. Problem was when I made these plans we had a bubble of beautiful weather. Now today it has been snowing all day and is cold as hell.

I still walked this morning and tonight in the snow. Even though the snow was blowing directly into my face which made it very unpleasant. But it made me start thinking....

I can walk in alittle bit of snow but when it gets icy... no way am I walking. Ill break my head lol I have enough trouble staying on two feet when it isn't icy.

So that surely puts a kink in my plan.

So on bad snowy or icy days I will either do Walk Away the Pounds dvd or Wii fit instead for 30+ mins.

Stupid winter bleh :( lol

Anyways I am having an ok day. Still having a hard time getting up early but I am not super trying to either right now. I'm not napping so I consider it a win.

Food wise I didn't do great today. But I didn't binge. I ate bad stuff but I stopped when I was full. I did get some fruit snacks which I swear is like crack to me. But I recorded their calories and wow they are way worse then I thought. 77 carbs for a package! Not getting those again.

I bought some strawberries at the store and can't wait to have some with breakfast tomorrow. Yum!

Fitness Goals

I usually don't blog twice in one day but during my evening walk I had a bit of an epiphany. I  decided to set some fitness goals and wanted to write them down right away.

Starting now until the end of Jan I will walk every single day morning and evening. I will walk 1.25 miles each time for a total of 2.5 miles everyday. I will focus on my speed, trying to walk fast enough so that I am out of breath.

Starting Feb I will increase it to 2 miles each walk for a total of 4 miles everyday.

Starting in March I want to start a couch25k program and begin running!

I super want to be a runner and I never will be unless I just do it. So now I have a goal set!

4am walks....

Sleeping an entire night through has become a dream. I am continuing to wake up at 3am and not being able to fall back to sleep. It really sucks. Today after waking up at 3 I laid in bed until 4 when I finally decided to get up and go for a walk.

Slightly bit weird to walk at 4am lol But it is also really nice because the world is all still asleep and I have the streets to myself. Which means way way less anxiety and almost no panic attacks. Which means I can walk without feeling like I am going to die every step.

I am quite exhausted now though and tired from lack of sleep too. But in a bit I have to go walk down to the store to pick up my prescription.

I had an ah-ha moment earlier when I realized I could set the alarm on my phone to remind me to take my pills lol like duh why didn't I think of that sooner?

I also have been struggling to get outside lately. Having more panic attacks. I think it is because a few days ago my neighbors talked to me. eek! So absurd I know. They are nice but very chatty. They also have a dog, a chi and Trixie is a chi mix and they like each other. But the neighbor asked me if I had lost weight. It was nice. I haven't lost much and I really do not think it is noticeable. But she went on and on about how I look so much better and it looked like I lost 20lbs or more. I wish! lol More like maybe 7-10lbs since she first met me.

But I think even though the conversation went nice, just talking to people threw my anxiety level to crazy and that is why I don't want to go outside...omg I might see them. They might talk to me again. :(

Lots to talk with my therapist about on Wed.

Feeling like my life revolves around food...

I sat here last night just alittle while after eating dinner feeling hungry even though it just isn't possible that I really needed more food, I am having a realization that my life revolves around food. I am constantly thinking about food as if I were starving and just dreaming about eating again.

I make bad decisions. I don't know why.I know the right choice, the right options, the right answer and yet I continue to choose the wrong one. Is it self sabotage? Is it just weakness? Am I just defective?

I read a quote that said:
"If you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice"

Why can't I do it? Why can't I give up instant gratification for the long term ones? Maybe because things never work out for me. So I feel like it is never really going to happen. Or I am just weak. I really don't know.

I am having a bad day if you couldn't tell.

To begin with I am stressed out. With my anxiety it is hard for me to stand up for myself or to say anything when I feel I should. So I really hate feeling like I am being taken advantage of, walked on, etc... my roommate is making me feel this way though. Last night I had all the dishes done, kitchen cleaned after dinner. Well he & his GF come in and cook and make a huge mess & leave a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. I am irritated to say the least. I tell my husband and he suggests I wait to be angry because they just finished eating and maybe they will clean it up later. But I knew he wouldn't because they never do.

Morning comes...the kitchen is still a mess, dishes still in the sink, roommate is now at work.

I can understand not wanting to do dishes the second you finish cooking/eating. But I can't just leave them there all day long. Our kitchen isn't big. I will need to get to the sink to cook, wash my own dishes, etc... So now I am pissed off and obsessing over being pissed off.

It doesn't help that I am just in a funk.  Everyday now I am all up and active and positive in the morning. But then some time after lunch I just crash hard. I get tired, restless oh so restless. I feel bored but like nothing sounds interesting to do. I have a hard time focusing.

I think part of it is being tired from waking up early and being active. My body is not used to either lol. But I also think it may be because I am active in the morning and get everything done and then I have nothing to do the rest of the day but sit.

I can't walk in the afternoon, if it isn't raining it is way too hot for that craziness. I can't do videos and stuff because I am too embarrassed to do so with a house full of people and no privacy. But come late evening I can walk. So that is my goal right now to walk in the evening even if I am dead tired just get up and go as far as i feel like.


I have my second therapy session today. So nervous and I've already been once so I shouldn't feel this awful. I really like her too so idk. I have alot to talk about though.


On the bright side yesterday my FBS was 122 & this morning it was 121. The lowest yet!! Goal #2 test more after I eat and before.

My dog was attacked :(

 My dog was attacked today by another dog :(

Today I was taking our morning walk and I had decided to up our distance and go farther then we usually go. We have been walking one mile I wanted to up it to 1.5. From where I live there is really only one direction to walk and we go straight down the road, turn around and go home.

Well we were walking along and a woman turned down behind us with a big dog. Idk what it was it looked like a yellow lab mixed with a bear it was huge. We were about a half a block ahead of them, no worries.

Then we got to the end of where I wanted to walk. I was exhausted by then and didn't want to keep going so I turned around and realized they were behind us so it was kindof awkward. I didn't think much of it, I've seen other dogs before. I pulled Trixie & myself to the very edge of the curb and waited for them to pass, leaving plenty of space. I smiled at her and apologized as her dog was pulling towards us. But he didn't seem aggressive to me just interested. I still kept us away.

But the woman wasn't very big and he pulls free from her and just jumps on Trixie. It happened so fast. He was just nipping at her butt. He didn't break the skin. But it was nothing but lunge and bite bite bite. She yelped and tried jumping/running.

She got her dog and I grabbed Trixie away and picked her up to check if she was ok. She was fine, no skin was broken.

The woman just said sorry and left. She didn't even stop to see if my dog was ok.

As soon as I saw Trixie was ok I lost it. I had to sit down on the ground crying, shaking, I couldn't breathe. Panic attack! So not the best reaction. Trixie went right into comfort mode, the angel lol.

She is so so tiny and it could have been so bad. I am just a wreck. I am scared if it mentally hurt her worse then it did physically. We still had to walk all the way home and for the entire way until we were back on our normal route she kept being jumpy and checking behind her.

I know I didn't handle it right. I did make her walk home though I so wanted to carry her and just protect her in my bubble of love. And I kept talking happy and telling her she was a good girl. I didn't want the experience to scar her so that she would be afraid of dogs.

I never thought about what I would do if she was attacked, that was never supposed to happen. I feel horrible about it. I should have pulled down the side street and backtracked instead of just walking to the side. And its all my fault we were down there to begin with, I should have stuck to our normal route and it wouldn't have happened.

She seems fine right now, like nothing happened.


A really strange part was that this morning when I started walking I so didn't feel like it. My legs were sore before I started. Every step I had to push myself forward. I kept saying oh I will turn around and cut it short but then I kept walking. The only reason I kept on was that it was pretty dead outside being Sunday morning & I didn't want to pass up that chance.

Also my BS numbers suck. My FBS was 145 & then three hours after breakfast + the walk I was up to 168. My breakfast only had 38 carbs. I had alot of anxiety but still, three hours & the walk I would imagine it wouldn't be so high.

I hope the rest of the day gets better. I am busy cleaning cleaning cleaning.

WIAW #1

One of the blogs I follow called Peas and Crayons (which is an amazing blog btw) does this WIAW (What I Ate Wednesday). Thought I would join in on the fun!



I actually am doing what I ate yesterday. Pfft day one and I am not even doing it right! lol

I had a very busy day of cooking new things yesterday but I actually ate horrible. I had red pepper hummus & reduced fat wheat thins. Which is one of my favorite things ever. I was planning on making cream cheese wontons. I was using the deep fryer my husband begged and wanted oh so badly for Christmas like 3 Christmases ago but has never been taken out of the box... So I had to unpack it, clean it and figure out how to use it.

The deep fryer is actually really nice and will be fun to use sometimes. But I am a moron and thought the almost full small bottle of oil would be enough. It was not...so my husband said he would go to the store and grab some quick. Three hours later I was still waiting... so yeah. He finally did go though so yay.

The cream cheese wontons are super easy to make and oh so yummy. My sister would get them at Panda Express & decided to try and make them herself and found a recipe online. You just take creamcheese, garlic to taste, add green onions = mix all that together. Scoop into wonton wrappers, wet the edges to seal. Then fry them up until golden brown. I love that the edges get all crispy but the center stays a bit moist. Even the DH loved them and pretty much ate all of them.

Then for dinner I decided to make lasagna rolls. I had seen it on pinterest using pepperoni. But I decided to make them with italian sausage instead.  I also had them at Olive Garden before. They turned out great. Very yummy. I need to remember next time to separate the noodles right away or they start to all stick together. Many noodles lost their lifes being ripped apart. RIP.

It was not as pretty as I had hoped. But delicious, and that is what really matters. I used ricotta mixed with 2 huge handfuls of spinach chopped, some garlic, a few shakes of parmesan cheese & mozzarella. Italian sausage and a store bought prego light & smart sauce.

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This morning I got up and took my morning walk. It was not a great start to my day really. I woke up right before the alarm when off- which is great. I feel so much more awake when I do that. I have to adjust my morning routine though because it takes me FOREVER to get out the door. Like 45 mins. I just am so slow in the morning.

I walked 0.95 miles for 23.30 mins & it felt like it was going to kill me. Meh so out of shape right now. I am being positive about it because I know right now it may feel like a killer but as I keep doing it things will get better. 

Tonight for dinner will be leftovers with a nice salad. I am planning on making Chicken & Avocado salad for lunch. Instead of mayo using greek yogurt. Because ewww mayo.


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Pet Wise:

Switching my kitties food. I am going to start giving them wet alittle at first and upping it so they mostly eat wet. I am also going to switch their dry to a different brand. I will be sure to mix it in with their old brand so they slowly adjust. No Worries!

Trixie is working on loose leash walking & stay/release/recall. I am making some slow progress. It takes alot of effort & patience.