Another Positive Day

I am having another real positive day. Yesterday my FBS was 117. Which while not perfect is much better then it has been. And today my predinner BS was just 104! I actually felt alittle light headed as I am not so used to the lower numbers right now. But this is really good it means my numbers are coming down nicely and if I keep working at it like I am they should be where they need to be shortly. Yay me. I went to therapy today and it went really well. It is nice to have someone impartial to talk to about it that agrees with me. It eases my concerns. We also talked about my issue with Christmas dinner. We go to my inlaws and everything they make for dinner is stuff I do not eat- ham, polish sausage, potato salad. I just don't like any of it. And it puts me in this awkward predicament which for someone with panic disorder is really sucky. I don't want to expect them to make a whole other meal for me and yet my husband just wants me to wing it and find something to eat there. Like idk maybe he is embarrassed by his picky wife. But my therapist thinks I should just not even worry about it and bring a lasagna or something to eat that can be for everyone if they want it and Ill have something to eat. It sounds like a plan. I might do a baked ziti with roasted veggies. I saw a recipe that looked yummy. I can premake it all and put it together then just toss it in the oven to melt the cheese when I get there. I didn't walk today :( I wanted to but it was snowing with some harsh wind and after I got out of therapy I just wasn't feeling up to walking. Hopefully the weather is a bit nicer tomorrow. I didn't nap again today so that makes 5 days without taking a nap! But it was a real struggle not to. But I am realizing it seems to come with the boredom. I just need to find things to do. I didn't do much today at all. I did clean out my fridge & freezer which badly needed it. I can't go shopping till prob fri or sat but when I do ill have plenty of room to fill up. Anyways I am just happy and in a good mood :) My therapist even noticed and said I seem alot calmer and better. So maybe my new pills and upping the prozac is working!

Today is looking bright - weigh in!

I am continuing to wake up early in the morning. Before it was 4am everyday and now it started being 3am. Guess how much fun that is? The worst is that after I wake up I can not for the life of me fall back to sleep. I am laying in bed tossing and turning until 5-6am before I finally get up or fall back to sleep. It is seriously putting a edge to my day.

Tonight I am going to not drink anything after 7pm and see if that helps me stay asleep.

Besides that my day has started off amazingly great!

FBS this morning 115 and that was after eating a bowl of granola/oatmeal kindof late. It was really good quality stuff with cinnamon, flax, quinoa. So that all probably helped control my BS. I really love oatmeal and granola so that makes me happy.

Secondly today is my weigh in. And I haven't been having the best week. I had alot of ups and downs and wanted to quit..but I didn't! So I wasn't expecting anything big on the scale today. But I am down 2.6lbs!!!! 207.6 is my weight today. I jumped on the scale 3 times to make sure because I didnt believe it lol

So here is to not giving up! Yay me!

One step closer to Onederland...8.6lbs to go baby!

I am hoping the rain lets up today so I can get in a walk. I have to run to the pet store by my house to get cat food but it is like right across the street lol Though still carrying a huge bag of cat food home is some strength workout in itself lol!

Yesterday I had a mostly boring day though I did take my oldest cat Kisa to the vet to get her updated rabies and microchipped. She was so well behaved and calm the vet commented on her being the best cat she has ever seen and a real treasure to get to meet. awww :) Made me so proud. She is the sweetest cat. She loves everyone. Though she hates the foster kittens and Trixie lol My other cats would not have been that well behaved at all lol

Up to 2 Miles!

Yesterday I went to the therapist and it was a really good session. We talked about how I am not very assertive and how I need to be. How because I'm not I tend to let things bubble up & take over my mind as I obsesses over them. So something small becomes something huge because I am not facing it.

She explained that I have this backpack of rocks that I am carrying around. Each rock is a weight of something bad or uncomfortable that I am not letting go of or or not facing. And it is heavy and it takes me out of the moment. I can't focus on today if I am focused on all of this other crap that is so heavy and in my way.

And everytime I take care of an issue, that weight is lifted and I have more room to focus on my real issues and big problems. I also learn how to deal with issues so that it is easier and in the future I won't put the rock in my bag but just deal with it and move on.

So I have to work on being more assertive! She also wants me to find a way to volunteer at the cat shelter. She also told me I should see my doctor about upping my meds. I was planning on going today but forgot they are closed on Thursdays so tomorrow it is.


This morning I woke up at 4am again...fun! Idk why this keeps happening but it sucks. I wake up and can not go back to sleep for anything. Maybe I am drinking too much water before bed. I will try to cut back so close to bedtime and see if that keeps me asleep longer.

I went for a nice long walk today...2 miles! I decided to just push myself and up it. It went really well. I always start off so rough but as I go along my body adjusts and I am not so anxious, then it is easier.

My FBS was 128 this morning. Yesterday after lunch/before dinner it was the lowest yet at 118. I am feeling quite positive about it all.

Feeling like my life revolves around food...

I sat here last night just alittle while after eating dinner feeling hungry even though it just isn't possible that I really needed more food, I am having a realization that my life revolves around food. I am constantly thinking about food as if I were starving and just dreaming about eating again.

I make bad decisions. I don't know why.I know the right choice, the right options, the right answer and yet I continue to choose the wrong one. Is it self sabotage? Is it just weakness? Am I just defective?

I read a quote that said:
"If you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice"

Why can't I do it? Why can't I give up instant gratification for the long term ones? Maybe because things never work out for me. So I feel like it is never really going to happen. Or I am just weak. I really don't know.

I am having a bad day if you couldn't tell.

To begin with I am stressed out. With my anxiety it is hard for me to stand up for myself or to say anything when I feel I should. So I really hate feeling like I am being taken advantage of, walked on, etc... my roommate is making me feel this way though. Last night I had all the dishes done, kitchen cleaned after dinner. Well he & his GF come in and cook and make a huge mess & leave a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. I am irritated to say the least. I tell my husband and he suggests I wait to be angry because they just finished eating and maybe they will clean it up later. But I knew he wouldn't because they never do.

Morning comes...the kitchen is still a mess, dishes still in the sink, roommate is now at work.

I can understand not wanting to do dishes the second you finish cooking/eating. But I can't just leave them there all day long. Our kitchen isn't big. I will need to get to the sink to cook, wash my own dishes, etc... So now I am pissed off and obsessing over being pissed off.

It doesn't help that I am just in a funk.  Everyday now I am all up and active and positive in the morning. But then some time after lunch I just crash hard. I get tired, restless oh so restless. I feel bored but like nothing sounds interesting to do. I have a hard time focusing.

I think part of it is being tired from waking up early and being active. My body is not used to either lol. But I also think it may be because I am active in the morning and get everything done and then I have nothing to do the rest of the day but sit.

I can't walk in the afternoon, if it isn't raining it is way too hot for that craziness. I can't do videos and stuff because I am too embarrassed to do so with a house full of people and no privacy. But come late evening I can walk. So that is my goal right now to walk in the evening even if I am dead tired just get up and go as far as i feel like.


I have my second therapy session today. So nervous and I've already been once so I shouldn't feel this awful. I really like her too so idk. I have alot to talk about though.


On the bright side yesterday my FBS was 122 & this morning it was 121. The lowest yet!! Goal #2 test more after I eat and before.

My dog was attacked :(

 My dog was attacked today by another dog :(

Today I was taking our morning walk and I had decided to up our distance and go farther then we usually go. We have been walking one mile I wanted to up it to 1.5. From where I live there is really only one direction to walk and we go straight down the road, turn around and go home.

Well we were walking along and a woman turned down behind us with a big dog. Idk what it was it looked like a yellow lab mixed with a bear it was huge. We were about a half a block ahead of them, no worries.

Then we got to the end of where I wanted to walk. I was exhausted by then and didn't want to keep going so I turned around and realized they were behind us so it was kindof awkward. I didn't think much of it, I've seen other dogs before. I pulled Trixie & myself to the very edge of the curb and waited for them to pass, leaving plenty of space. I smiled at her and apologized as her dog was pulling towards us. But he didn't seem aggressive to me just interested. I still kept us away.

But the woman wasn't very big and he pulls free from her and just jumps on Trixie. It happened so fast. He was just nipping at her butt. He didn't break the skin. But it was nothing but lunge and bite bite bite. She yelped and tried jumping/running.

She got her dog and I grabbed Trixie away and picked her up to check if she was ok. She was fine, no skin was broken.

The woman just said sorry and left. She didn't even stop to see if my dog was ok.

As soon as I saw Trixie was ok I lost it. I had to sit down on the ground crying, shaking, I couldn't breathe. Panic attack! So not the best reaction. Trixie went right into comfort mode, the angel lol.

She is so so tiny and it could have been so bad. I am just a wreck. I am scared if it mentally hurt her worse then it did physically. We still had to walk all the way home and for the entire way until we were back on our normal route she kept being jumpy and checking behind her.

I know I didn't handle it right. I did make her walk home though I so wanted to carry her and just protect her in my bubble of love. And I kept talking happy and telling her she was a good girl. I didn't want the experience to scar her so that she would be afraid of dogs.

I never thought about what I would do if she was attacked, that was never supposed to happen. I feel horrible about it. I should have pulled down the side street and backtracked instead of just walking to the side. And its all my fault we were down there to begin with, I should have stuck to our normal route and it wouldn't have happened.

She seems fine right now, like nothing happened.


A really strange part was that this morning when I started walking I so didn't feel like it. My legs were sore before I started. Every step I had to push myself forward. I kept saying oh I will turn around and cut it short but then I kept walking. The only reason I kept on was that it was pretty dead outside being Sunday morning & I didn't want to pass up that chance.

Also my BS numbers suck. My FBS was 145 & then three hours after breakfast + the walk I was up to 168. My breakfast only had 38 carbs. I had alot of anxiety but still, three hours & the walk I would imagine it wouldn't be so high.

I hope the rest of the day gets better. I am busy cleaning cleaning cleaning.