I've returned with Intermittent Fasting *TW- self harm*

So I disappeared for a while... life got..bad to say the least. I fell into a deep dark ugly depression. Where I could barely get out of bed. I wasn't taking any care of myself or my apartment or anything. At my worst moments I was being suicidal & cutting. I was having such bad panic attacks that they were just hitting me all day long and I couldn't leave my apartment.

Things are slightly better right now. No more cutting & not being suicidal. But some things have gotten worse. My husband quit his job...just one night things got bad at work & had been building up for a while so he up and quit. It has been three weeks and he hasn't found a job. He isn't looking either, just watching movies & playing video games all day. I am very worried about money. Idk what we will do. To make it worse, no job = no insurance. Once my meds are gone I can't get them refilled or see my doctor. It is scary.


But besides that I am trying to focus on what I can control. My diet & health is one of those things.

I have been reading alot about intermittent fasting. Specifically Alternate Day 24 Hour Fasting. The plan is this:

Sunday: My free day/cheat day. Eat within reason but I can go off plan.

Monday/Wednesday/Friday: I eat 1400 calories but I stop eating by 5pm. So basically I can eat breakfast and lunch but skip dinner.

Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday: I skip breakfast & lunch but I can eat dinner after 5pm. I only get 400 calories these days though.

So it is a 24 hour fast every other day but I still get a meal each day of the week.

I think it fits my life alot better. As I can eat larger portions. I am actually quite used to skipping meals so I think I can transition into it fairly easy.

This is an interesting site that describes intermittent fasting: http://jamesclear.com/the-beginners-guide-to-intermittent-fasting


On top of that I am going partial vegetarian. I've tried vegetarianism before and my longest time with it is 3 months... this time I have decided to ease my way into it. I will refrain from eating meat Monday-Saturday, but on Sunday "my free day" I may eat meat. I am going to try and focus on free ranged stuff. My main reason for going vegetarian is that I care about animals. I don't think eating meat is wrong. I wouldn't be mad at the lion for eating the lamb. But I feel we should do so respectfully for the life and treat them with care. And we do not in any way shape or form. The slaughterhouse is cruel.

I also think it will give me a focus on what I eat and help me stay away from certain foods.

I am feeling really good about these changes and hopefully they help.

Blizzard + New Years

Well my post yesterday about winter couldn't have come at a better time. Today we got hit by a blizzard, lake effect snow and icy & cold. Not fun walking weather. When I woke up I planned to use the Wii but my legs were ultra sore. I decided it is best to listen to my body and take a rest day. No point in pushing myself and getting hurt. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better.

I ate horrible today. No binges but I ate alot of not healthy foods and alot of them.I partly blame it on my DH being home. It isn't his fault, all mine. But for some reason it is so much harder for me to stay on track when he is around. Must figure out why.

I got a book/video combo at the store yesterday for yoga. It was on sale half off. I couldn't resist. The book goes through all the poses and has pictures so it is easy to follow. I will start adding yoga back into my routine. I just need to make myself a spot where I can do it in.

I can't believe it is almost a new year. I am a bit sad that I didn't do things sooner. I could have been where I wanted to be at already if I had. But I can't change the past. So there is nothing left to do other then look forward.

I am copying Sparkpeople's Goal setting guide.

Step 1: Write down your goal in as few words as possible.

My goal is to: Hit Onderland

Step 2: Make your goal detailed and SPECIFIC.
By April 1st 2015 I want to be under 200lbs.

HOW will you reach this goal? List at least 3 action steps you'll take (be specific): 

1. Track my Calories daily.

2. Exercise atleast 5 days a week.

3. Eat more fruits and veggies

4. Watch my carbs.

 

Step 3: Make your goal is MEASUREABLE.

Add details, measurements and tracking details.

I will measure/track my goal by using the following numbers or methods: 

I will weigh in every Sunday.

I will know I've reached my goal when:
I am under 200lbs

Step 4: Make your goal ATTAINABLE.

What additional resources do you need for success?

 

Items I need to achieve this goal: I am using Sparkpeople.com to track my calories and fitbit to track my exercise. 

 

People I can talk to for support: my sister, sparkfriends, and 3fatchicks.com for support.

Step 5: Make your goal RELEVANT.

List why you want to reach this goal:

I want to be healthy and happier. In better shape. And closer to my ultimate weight goal.

 

Step 6: Make your goal TIMELY.

Put a deadline on your goal and set some benchmarks.

I will reach my goal by (date): 04/01/2015

 

My halfway measurement will be  210lbs by 02/01/2015

 

Winter VS Fitness Goals

So I set myself some goals to walk twice everyday from now on. It sounded perfect. Problem was when I made these plans we had a bubble of beautiful weather. Now today it has been snowing all day and is cold as hell.

I still walked this morning and tonight in the snow. Even though the snow was blowing directly into my face which made it very unpleasant. But it made me start thinking....

I can walk in alittle bit of snow but when it gets icy... no way am I walking. Ill break my head lol I have enough trouble staying on two feet when it isn't icy.

So that surely puts a kink in my plan.

So on bad snowy or icy days I will either do Walk Away the Pounds dvd or Wii fit instead for 30+ mins.

Stupid winter bleh :( lol

Anyways I am having an ok day. Still having a hard time getting up early but I am not super trying to either right now. I'm not napping so I consider it a win.

Food wise I didn't do great today. But I didn't binge. I ate bad stuff but I stopped when I was full. I did get some fruit snacks which I swear is like crack to me. But I recorded their calories and wow they are way worse then I thought. 77 carbs for a package! Not getting those again.

I bought some strawberries at the store and can't wait to have some with breakfast tomorrow. Yum!

Fitness Goals

I usually don't blog twice in one day but during my evening walk I had a bit of an epiphany. I  decided to set some fitness goals and wanted to write them down right away.

Starting now until the end of Jan I will walk every single day morning and evening. I will walk 1.25 miles each time for a total of 2.5 miles everyday. I will focus on my speed, trying to walk fast enough so that I am out of breath.

Starting Feb I will increase it to 2 miles each walk for a total of 4 miles everyday.

Starting in March I want to start a couch25k program and begin running!

I super want to be a runner and I never will be unless I just do it. So now I have a goal set!

Feeling positive!

Having a much better day today! Yay me. I was able to walk down to the pharmacy and use the discount card so I only had to pay $15 for my medication! So that made me happy.

 I haven't napped in 3 days. It hasn't been easy. I think boredom is part of the problem. I need to summon the energy to get things done so I can keep myself busy during the day. I'd walk more but it is so muddy and slushy outside & somedays have been very chilly, it isn't very appetizing. But that partially feels like an excuse and I should just do it anyways.

I did walk today to the pharmacy so thats good. I might take another walk now, I haven't decided yet.

Food wise...things have been much much better then my norm. But not great overall. I am not eating healthy just eating less. And I know its about small steps. I can't go for perfection or I will fail everytime. But I do know I need to do better and I am tracking my food and seeing where I can improve.

For instance my breakfast of choice is this cinnamon oatmeal granola, which is to die for. I think making it with almond milk instead of milk would help cut carbs and add protein. I may also throw some almonds in it to bring up the protein and fat. Making it a more balanced breakfast.

 I am thinking sandwich and salad for lunches. Probably a grilled cheese using low fat cheese, turkey slices and whole wheat bread. The first time I ever lost alot of weight grilled cheese was my go to meal. It was warm and gooey a balanced choice and kept me full. Some cottage cheese and veggies or salad on the side its delicious and easy to make.

 And then for dinner experiment some with different dishes. Probably mix in eggs some nights for a cheap healthy meal, pack them with veggies. The other nights make chicken and do something with it. Finding some good ideas on pinterest. The only good thing about my husband working closes, is that he won't be home for dinner so I can just cook for myself and not worry about having to make something for him too, and then being naughty and eating bad myself.

Ofcourse the bad side is that with my current sleeping schedule I never see him. I am asleep when he gets home and still sleeping when he leaves in the morning. I have got to fix my sleeping. I am no longer napping but instead I am sleeping in really late. It is kindof like a trade off lol.

I want to start setting my alarm and getting up earlier but I am waiting until I have the nap situation worked out better. I am sleeping really well at night. Less tossing and turning, if I wake up I fall back to sleep fairly easily. I feel rested when I get up.

Oh I also had my weigh in yesterday and am down to 220 from 222.4lbs. So yay! I still admit that I am feeling slightly upset that I regained so much. I had been down to 207...so close to Onederland and to gain it back sucks and be just so far away again. But I am not letting it get me down. I will do it and this time no more regaining, no more stopping, no more giving up, no more excuses. I can do this.

Anyways I have a plan of action, so thats good :) I am feeling very determined & positive which is great.

I'm up & feeling down

So I decided to weigh in today.... I am up to 222.4lbs :(
What happened? I was down to 210, lightning my way down to Onderland and feeling amazing. And then I lost my way and gained so much back. I feel like a yo-yo.

It is unfair that it is so mindlessly easy to gain and such hard work to lose.

I can let this get the best of me. Let myself tear myself apart and go back to eating my feelings in a stupid endless cycle of weight gain. Or I can turn this around.

I am back & feeling determined. I am sad, angry, depressed all still but going to use those feelings to push myself towards something good instead of the negative once again.

This morning I started my day off right by testing my fasting BS (159) and eating a good breakfast. No more sugar laced peanut butter crunch lol Instead I made myself an egg with one small tortilla and some salsa. Very reasonable and yummy.

I am going to go shopping and buy myself some more veggies and fruit.

I am setting some goals...

1. Go to the doctor. I need to visit my doctor again I should have in October. No more excuses just going to go.

2. Fix my sleep issues. I am either not sleeping at all or sleeping all day long. It is killing me. I can't be always exhausted and function. Hopefully the doctor can help with that but I am also going to start getting up earlier. I can't go to bed at 8pm and sleep until 10am. Its absurd.

3. Focus on eating healthier and no more binges. 

4. Exercise! I will be walking in the evenings after dinner and going to start doing my Wii and weights in the mornings.

I can do this!!

A light in the darkness

I've been so so bad. Just a huge mess. I wasn't eating right. I was eating really really bad without any care. I stopped working out. Once again I fell into this darkness and I couldn't climb back out. I just couldn't summon the motivation to wake up and get my act together. I was full of excuses. I know stress had something to do with it. I need better ways to deal with my stress instead of retreating away and falling apart.

Three things have been on my mind lately that are helping me get back on track.

1. I was feeling really really sick. All that bad eating caught up to me and omg I wanted to die. It was really bad. Kindof a big wake up call to my bad eating.

2. I didn't want to go to therapy this week. I am still going to go. but I had my head full of excuses of why I shouldn't go. And even as I was playing it out in my head I knew I was just making excuses and that it was just a bad thing going on. I knew if I didnt go it would be a slippery slope.

3. One of my spark friends is doing absolutely amazing. She is so inspiring me. She is pushing herself farther and being so brave and it wants me to get back to that same place so badly.

I don't feel like I have summoned all that beautiful motivation like I have in the past. I am still feeling rather meh. But I can do this. Small steps make the difference. And if I just start doing small things sooner or later I will get my motivation back.

Tomorrow I am taking a walk, no excuses. I am getting up and walking.
I am back to drinking water again.
Back to testing my Blood Sugar.

Next time I go shopping which will prob be wednesday. I will shop smart. No sweets. No junk. No heavy carb loaded meals. I will eat simply and smart. Watch my portions.

I can do this. I feel scared and full of anxiety. IDK why even. But I am doing it. Wish me well I need it.

I am so out of shape

My day did not start off well. I woke up at 5am so tired but couldnt fall back to sleep. My DH got up around 6 to get ready for work & with the light on and him talking to me I just decided to get up for good. I wanted to get up early anyways for a bike ride. But not quite that early... lol

First thing I went out to feed the feral cats and I found one of the kittens had been hit by a car just as I was coming outside. It must have been sleeping under the car and for some reason didn't run away or in time when it started up and left. It was too late to do anything for it. But I carried it over to the woods so none of the kids would see it since it was right outside the playground area. I was crying my eyes out this entire time. To make matters worse...momma cat found it and was carrying it around. So yeah my heart is just in pieces right now.

This is the second cat I have found hit by cars. Please for the love of all things holy keep your cats indoors. :(


Anyways I decided to go on my bike ride this morning. I had big hopes that I would ride this huge distance like it was nothing.... omg I am so out of shape. Right away I was like hell no I cant do this.I went 1.72 miles all together and my average speed was 5 mph...which is slow as hell. All the bike tracking on my fitness tracker was 10 mph and higher just to give u an idea.... The fastest I went was 11 mph and that was downhill.

My legs were on fire. I was so out of breath. I wanted to die. I had to stop several times. At one point I didn't think I could go on & had a panic attack over it.

So yeah I am out of shape. And it sucks. And it truly makes me want to throw in the towel and never ever ever touch the bike again or move again and just curl up and stuff myself with pizza and say screw it all.

I won't do that though, as tempting as it is. I remember a quote:

It is hard but staying overweight, sick, tired all the time, out of breath, out of energy and so unhealthy is hard too. It seems easy in the moment but it is just a different type of hard.

I just have to remind myself that it gets easier. Right?

I give up very easily. It becomes hard and I have a panic attack and it throws me off. I should talk to my therapist about that next time I see her. Because I am still have panic attacks and it is really hard to work out when I am having them as soon as I push myself.

I need to stop staying in my comfort zone. I am not talking about running a marathon tomorrow. I don't want to push myself too hard and not be ready for it. But I need to go harder and farther then I have been or it will never get easier.

So goal setting time:

1.  4 days a week ride my bike in the morning. Going to do 1 mile everyday this week, next week 1.5, etc...
2.  5 days a week take an evening walk with my dog. 1 mile everyday for 2 weeks then 1.5 for 2 weeks, then 2 for 2 weeks. 
3.  Atleast 3 times a week do the Wii workout. This includes strength and weights. 15 mins for the first 2 weeks then 30 mins.

I am starting slow with just 1 mile, 15 mins, etc... One thing spark has taught me is to set myself up for success. I am starting a whole new fitness schedule so go slow and do what I know I can do and then build up one step at a time.

I am also going to blog/journal everyday and track my food! I gotta track it. Even if it is bad.

I can do this!!

Slipping off track & regaining

I am not doing very well. I have slowly let myself slide off plan, so that I wasn't even completely aware of it. I get one little kink in my routine and I get so thrown off. I seriously hate it so much. Why do I let this happen?

Sleep is my big focus on staying on routine.My period hit and I was exhausted more then usual, my sleep schedule changed somewhat. It all just threw me off.

I stopped walking, working out. I stopped tracking my food, which led me to start eating off plan or eating more then I should. I then was eating bad so I stopped testing my blood sugar. It is a nasty cycle that can start with one little kink and just spin out of control.

But I caught myself this time. I can recover & get back on plan. I just have to stay focused.

I think the big problem I have is just that I feel overwhelmed. So much is going on in my life right now. I feel exhausted just trying to focus and balance it all. It is too much and it makes me want to give up.

I gained alot of weight back this week and that really hit me hard. I am never going to get anywhere if everytime I take a step forward I take two backwards.

I just need to focus, lay off the excuses and get it done.

The good news is I got my bike finally!! Woohoo! I have so so so been missing having a bike. I am very excited to try it out....and nervous as hell. My anxiety is through the roof. Because omg I will have to be outside....where people will see me. What if I forgot how to ride a bike? What if I look stupid? What if I fall or crash? What if I can't make it up a hill because I am fat and out of shape?

I know rationally that I shouldn't care. It will be fun and it gives me freedom to go places myself. But it is still so difficult to get past all the fear. It so robs the joy out of it.

 My bike's color is Magenta. It is hard to tell in the pics. It isn't that dark though.



Today i am taking the bus down to the store to return the cargo rack I got for it and get a different one. The one I got was missing screws and bolts lol. Once I get a cargo rack on it I can go shopping and also take my dog with me. Ill just strap her carrier to the cargo rack. Then I can ride down to the park and let her play! I really wanna get a basket for her to ride upfront in but it is a bit expensive so will have to wait prob until my birthday at the end of sept.

Anyways my goal is to start working out again- walking, riding my bike, doing the wii. Track all of my food! And blog more, maybe it will help me stay focused and catch myself if I start to fall off again.

Failure is not an option

I have really been struggling lately. I think I have hit that spot where normally in the past I have given up. Things get harder, everything feels like it is moving too slow, too much work, I feel overwhelmed, etc... So I end up slipping here and there and then sooner or later I just give up all together.

But not this time. This time I am not giving up!

I won't ever be perfect. I will have bad days. But that doesn't mean it is over. A new day will come and today I will do better then yesterday.

I need to discover why I binge. Why sometimes my stomach is a bottomless pit where nothing can fill it.

I also think my meds still are not where they should be. I am still having so much anxiety. But then I also heard that medication can't cure anxiety it is only supposed to make it more manageable which it is. I also might just need to give it more time to build up in my system.

Today i was going to take a walk but I just didn't want to go outside. I felt all panicky. I couldn't relax. I did a workout on the wii which kicked my butt so atleast I still worked out but I just hate that.

I will talk to my therapist about that Wednesday.

Right now my goal is to manage my diabetes still. And I want to hit Onederland so badly! I am so close. I would ideally love to hit it by Sept 1. But I am ok with hitting it by my birthday Sept 22. I can do it!!

Feeling like my life revolves around food...

I sat here last night just alittle while after eating dinner feeling hungry even though it just isn't possible that I really needed more food, I am having a realization that my life revolves around food. I am constantly thinking about food as if I were starving and just dreaming about eating again.

I make bad decisions. I don't know why.I know the right choice, the right options, the right answer and yet I continue to choose the wrong one. Is it self sabotage? Is it just weakness? Am I just defective?

I read a quote that said:
"If you don't sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice"

Why can't I do it? Why can't I give up instant gratification for the long term ones? Maybe because things never work out for me. So I feel like it is never really going to happen. Or I am just weak. I really don't know.

I am having a bad day if you couldn't tell.

To begin with I am stressed out. With my anxiety it is hard for me to stand up for myself or to say anything when I feel I should. So I really hate feeling like I am being taken advantage of, walked on, etc... my roommate is making me feel this way though. Last night I had all the dishes done, kitchen cleaned after dinner. Well he & his GF come in and cook and make a huge mess & leave a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink. I am irritated to say the least. I tell my husband and he suggests I wait to be angry because they just finished eating and maybe they will clean it up later. But I knew he wouldn't because they never do.

Morning comes...the kitchen is still a mess, dishes still in the sink, roommate is now at work.

I can understand not wanting to do dishes the second you finish cooking/eating. But I can't just leave them there all day long. Our kitchen isn't big. I will need to get to the sink to cook, wash my own dishes, etc... So now I am pissed off and obsessing over being pissed off.

It doesn't help that I am just in a funk.  Everyday now I am all up and active and positive in the morning. But then some time after lunch I just crash hard. I get tired, restless oh so restless. I feel bored but like nothing sounds interesting to do. I have a hard time focusing.

I think part of it is being tired from waking up early and being active. My body is not used to either lol. But I also think it may be because I am active in the morning and get everything done and then I have nothing to do the rest of the day but sit.

I can't walk in the afternoon, if it isn't raining it is way too hot for that craziness. I can't do videos and stuff because I am too embarrassed to do so with a house full of people and no privacy. But come late evening I can walk. So that is my goal right now to walk in the evening even if I am dead tired just get up and go as far as i feel like.


I have my second therapy session today. So nervous and I've already been once so I shouldn't feel this awful. I really like her too so idk. I have alot to talk about though.


On the bright side yesterday my FBS was 122 & this morning it was 121. The lowest yet!! Goal #2 test more after I eat and before.