Medication Woes + My indoor garden

Ugh I am so tired writing this. I am not sleeping well at all. I am not sure if it is the medication or what. I just wake up a million times in the middle of the night. I am tossing and turning like crazy too. I am falling pretty much right back to sleep most of the time but it is annoying. And I keep waking up around 4am and then not being able to fall right back to sleep at that time. Then when I do fall back to sleep I oversleep and don't get up till like 10.

I kindof am on a love/hate feeling with the meds. There is like this window where you are not sure if they are working or not. I find myself constantly questioning if I feel happier, better, less crazy? lol Idk...I think I am just waiting for a magical switch to flip and everything to feel different. But perhaps it won't, right now with me being on such a low dose. I am irritable as hell for sure. But I feel like crap and am not sleeping well so... it is just not easy to tell.

But the worst medication woe is coming from the metformin. I forgot how sick it makes me feel. My stomach is just screaming at me. I am very nauseated. All day long I feel sick like I am going to throw up if I move. Which makes exercise pretty much impossible, also moving, or doing pretty much anything lol. I keep telling myself that it is only temporary but it sucks so much. 

The only upside is that I have less appetite because I feel so sick lol

Testing my blood sugar sucks. Everytime I line the lancet up to my finger to prick I get this moment of hesitation. It doesn't really even hurt usually. Sometimes it is like nothing but it still is just so difficult lol. I am weird. My numbers are godly high. I am only testing my fasting right this moment. It started off at 270 and now that I am taking meds it has slowly gone down everyday. This morning it was 214. Still so high. How am I not dead?


On a happier front my indoor garden is taking off! I have life! Muahahahaha! I am growing catnip & peppers from seeds. Then I used kitchen scraps to grow green onions & lettuce. You just buy green onion/lettuce and cut off the part you are going to use then put the bottom in a bowl of water. Change the water everyday and it will regrow. Like magic! lol

Bipolar, Anxiety, & Diabeties Oh My!

So yesterday I went to the doctor. I was soo nervous. But I really liked the doctor and the staff. Everyone seemed interested in helping me, caring and helpful. They listened to me and seemed to want me to be better. I have seen some doctors that were so not helpful, so this is really great.

I was diagnosed with bipolar & anxiety disorder. The doctor put me on prozac & abilify. A low dosage for now. I am also going to be looking for a therapist to talk with. I feel nervous, sad and crazy. But I also feel good because I know for sure and I am on the right path to get help and maybe things will be better.

I am also now taking care of my diabetes & PCOS again. I am on metformin and testing my blood sugar. This morning was the first time I tested it in a long long time. I was a bit scared to prick my finger omg lol. I don't think I will ever be perfectly used to it. My fasting blood sugar was 270 this morning which is not good at all. I guess it should be between 90-130. So yeah :(


I gave up soda. I was drinking only diet but it was still so bad for me. Yesterday I drank my last one. Well I think I may drink one if I ever go out to eat perhaps though I usually like getting lemonades or margaritas but I won't say never. But no more buying it to have at home. I drink water now, sometimes tea.

I am going to do better diet wise & exercise wise. Right now I have chicken marinating in pesto yum! & some cooking in the oven. Going to make a big salad for dinner.

Ill post more later right now I am about to go eat!

Being brave, seeing a DR, possibly bipolar? Service dogs?

So I have decided to see a doctor finally. *Deep Breath* It is so scary that I may explode. I am not doing well at all. The panic attacks have gotten really bad, where I am having them everyday & several times a day, even without any cause that I can figure out.

I have also started thinking that I may be bipolar. I feel like I am always at extremes and never just normal. Either I am high and doing amazing, I plan, organize, am creative and create projects. Where I throw myself into it 500%, I research every aspect of something, plan these big goals for it like it is already happening, I will fill notebooks with writing it all out, charts, graphs, fill folders on my computer but then idk what happens it falls apart. One day I will be a motivational poster and then next I am acting like the world is ending.

My depression is worse. Days where I just want to die nonstop. It floods me with that thought. I can't do anything. I can't function. I just want it to end.

I won't post everything that is going on in my head. I think some of it is just too private. But I have taken a long hard look at myself. I wrote everything down that is going on and obviously stuff is not right. Idk if I am bipolar or not but I need to see the doctor for sure.

Ofcourse super anxiety girl here just taking that step feels like I am trying to step out in an open chasm filled with spiders or something...I looked at my insurance to see doctors in my area. I wanted to see a female if possible & I would prefer one in walking distance.Well in a small town I do not have a huge list of options.

I have decided to see a GP first. It will help because they can get me back on my meds for my pcos/diabetes. Yay metformin.... and also run tests for I guess thyroid to make sure that isn't causing my issues. Then give me a referral I guess.

This doctor is kindof weird to me, they do same day appointments and I have to call in the early morning to set it up. So i am going to try and go tomorrow.

To prepare I am also going to take a notebook & write down everything that is not great and so I can read it or give it to her. This will help me alot. As I often get so anxious that I forget things or ramble or have a hard time getting stuff out.

Hopefully the doctor is nice. I am praying she is because honestly the amount of courage it is taking me to do this is just insane and if this goes bad I am afraid it will set me back alot. sigh



I am also going to ask her about service dogs. This entire thing actually came up because of service dogs. In the past, I had looked into getting an ESA (emotional support animal), well legally having my pets be that for me. Recently while looking up some help seeing a doctor I read about those with a psychiatric issue getting a service dog (which is different then an ESA. Service dogs are used in all kinds of cases to help people with a disability. I qualify. Many people with my same problems use service dogs. The definition for a disability by the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act)

An individual with a disability is defined by the ADA as a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, a person who has a history or record of such an impairment, or a person who is perceived by others as having such an impairment.

That would be me. I can not work. I can not drive. Most days I can not leave my house. In many situations I just shut down. I have since been doing nonstop research on service dogs & talking with some organizations that have been most helpful. There is alot of information that I did not know about.

1. Anyone with a disability (as defined above) can get a service dog. You should be diagnosed so that you are sure you actually are and to make sure it holds up in court. But you do not actually need a doctors letter or prescription or anything to get one.
2. Your dog also does not need to come from an organization that trains them or be registered or certified. You can also do owner training, and train your own dog.
3. Your service dog does not need to have any ID or vest or anything. People choose to let their dogs wear vests because it is helpful, it show that their dog is a service dog & to try and warn people not to distract/pet their dog. It is also helpful to be like a uniform for the dog, so they know they are working.
4. Any website that attempts to sell certification unless they are actually meeting/training the dog is a huge SCAM. Your dog does not need a certificate, and most people who buy these are just trying to cheat the system and bring their who is not a service dog with them.
5. service dogs can be any breed, even small dogs.

Your dog has to behave in public, if owner training it is suggested that you do obedience training & Canine Good Citizen. If your dog isn't perfectly trained it should not be out in public still. 

The main thing though is that to qualify your dog must do TASKS. 

A task is an individual, discrete (a complete stand alone unit), specific thing that needs doing. It has one cue and one result. It might be a simple behavior or a complex one with multiple steps, but there is always a single objective. Examples of tasks include: opening doors, picking up dropped items, and notifying the handler of the sound of the doorbell. 

1. must be individually trained (not natural behaviors of dogs such as needing to be walked or turning their head when they hear a sound, emotional support, or companionship)
2. must mitigate the person's disability (ie be something the person's disability prevents or substantially limits them from being able to do for themselves)
 From: http://www.servicedogcentral.org/content/faq

Tasks are one thing that is different between ESAs and PSD (psychiatric service dogs). An owner with an ESA is not covered under the ADA. You can not bring your dog into public businesses where any normal dog is not allowed. ESAs are only allowed to be in no pet housing & airplanes. PSD are service dogs and their owners are allowed to bring them everywhere.

So if a dog just comforts you, makes you feel better if you pet it, etc... those DO NOT count as TASKS. It could be an ESA but not a PSD.

This website gives a good list of tasks: http://www.iaadp.org/psd_tasks.html

There is alot more to service dogs but that is just some interesting basic info. I think having that will really help me. Relieve my anxiety, let me go outside & in public & just function without having to sit at home too afraid to step outside.

When I have more time I will talk about the tasks I would need and give some more info about it. Right now I just wanna focus on seeing the doctor and hoping everything goes well.