Weigh In Disappointment

Today was my weigh in day... I am back up to 210 lbs. I swore I would never see 210 again and there it was staring right up at me with all its evilness.

All I can say is that I am disappointed in myself, angry, upset, feeling quite down. I have no one else to blame but myself. My actions brought me to this point.

I feel like my weight is an echo of my emotions. My therapist said being bipolar, I am ruled by my emotions. Whatever emotion I am feeling in that moment is in the driver's seat, making the decisions. I have to end that cycle, be more in control. But it isn't easy.  And it would be easy to dismiss all my problems on my mental issues. I see my doctor in two weeks and will ask her to up my pills for sure. But there isn't going to be a magic pill that makes everything perfect. It will help me manage it not make life kittens and rainbows.

I watch the show Extreme Weightloss alot. I love it. I know its reality tv and edited and the people get to go to a resort for 3 months with nutritionists and personal trainers. So its so not like real life at all. But I watch the people try so hard. They know what they want and they push themselves toward it.

I am just not really trying. I half a$$ it. Put barely enough effort into it. And yet I expect to see these huge changes. I order pizza two nights a week and eat the entire thing + bread. Hello way over my calories not to mention...I am diabetic. Those carbs are so not what I should be stuffing my face with. I made brownies and ate 1/4 of the pan as a serving. I ate almost an entire box of mac & cheese with over 1/4 bag of breaded chicken strips. Do you see any veggies in there?

I see so many carbs and calories and NOT a girl who is caring about her health and weight at all.

I just wanna cry right now. I wanna slap myself and scream that I need to wake up and do this right. And I am scared that I will sit here and say a bunch of happy motivational crap and then tomorrow eat like crap again.

How do these other people do it? Where do the summon the strength from? How do they resist temptations? How do they not let their bad day ruin everything?

I have to change for real. I need a routine. Structure. I need to not buy crap that I don't trust myself around. No more fast food. I need to up my exercise and actually push myself. I need to not give up. No more hoping. I need to do. But even as I write these words I fear that tomorrow they will go poof and I will once again be picking myself back up sigh.